Michael Jackson: Saying goodbye to the best friend a satire writer ever had.

Satirists gathered outside the gates of Neverland to mourn the passing of one of their favorite targets--Michael Jackson.

Jackson, a singer, songwriter, dancer, and train wreck, moon-walked his way into the hearts of hundreds of comics and then into their punchlines. His fascination with young children, monkeys, isolation chambers, Boris Karloff, Elizabeth Taylor, Peter Pan, Disney-Europe, middle eastern countries that ironically have harsher penalties for pederasty, and non-sexual reproduction turned into some of the funniest satire headlines of the late 20th century.

"I got through the 1990s with Wacko Jacko stories," said a sobbing Kurt Van Pelt, an Onion writer. "I don't know how I'll get on without him."

Sven Waring, of DotPenn, sees Jackson's passing as less the loss of a man and more of a loss of an era, like drive-in theaters and network news.

"I grew up writing satire and making fun of Jackson," said Waring. "The first fake news story I ever wrote was about how he would have a sex change operation to become a man. That was in 1985."

Waring tried to demonstrate the moonwalk, but it just looked like he was walking backwards.

"Shit," he said, wiping away a tear. "It's just a mime move anyway. Man in a windstorm. Who gives a shit?" 

 As echoes of Weird Al Yankovic's "Eat It," wafted out of a stolen cassette boom box, Weird Al held court in the middle of the group. Weird Al pointed out that it was the intangibles that made Jackson one of the greatest targets of satire.

"Let's face it, I wouldn't have been what I am without Michael Jackson," said Weird Al. "And there was always something reassuring knowing that Michael wouldn't kick your ass like Coolio would."

Waring said he's kept going by other ridiculous pop culture artifacts, like loud, prostitute-biting pitch men, still around in the world today.

"I keep telling myself, we still have Billy Mays," Waring said. "We still have Billy."

The group plans to have a mass remembrance ceremony for Jackson and then immediately pen stories that the King of Pop is still alive and working on a banana farm in Paraguay run by Elvis, Kurt Kobain, and Goebbels.

The G stands for "Get that thing back in your pants."

Fred G. Sanford has been appointed to take the helm of the South Carolina governorship.

"And the 'G' stands for learn how to 'govern' your passions," the outspoken Sanford said. "And 'get' the hell back to Argentina, if you can't."

Sanford will replace former governor Mark Sanford, who, in just a few weeks managed to screw an Argentinean woman, his family, the state of South Carolina, and the Republican party. That's called multi-tasking.

The pick of Fred Sanford, who runs a junk business, has made local business leaders happy, according to Jubal E. Darling, a member of the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.

 "As a mildly-used antique dealer, we like to think that Mr. Sanford will keep his junk in his own backyard," said Darling. "And not spread it around South America."

Another benefit Darling said was that the monograms on the governor's towels and napkins would not need to be replaced, saving South Carolina money from stimulus funds.  Sanford pledged to make few changes, but said he will make a number of key appointments. Grady will assume the lieutenant governorship and son, Lamont, will serve as treasurer.

The Sanford appointment does have his critics. Aunt Esther has been vehemently opposed to the selection and is working both sides of the aisle to have Sanford's appointment revoked.

"Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down," Esther said during a hearing on the appointment.

"And this Louisville slugger will knock you out," Sanford replied. 

Sanford said he was shocked by the turn out at his first press conference, clutching his heart and yelling, "Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey."

Speculation was that Sanford was referring to Elizabeth Edwards.

Local Octo-mom and Welfare queen gets shot at reality show stardom on new TLC series. 

Following the demise of Jon and Kate Gosselin's marriage, TLC is hoping a new reality series starring a Philipsburg welfare Octo-mom will pick up some of the pieces.

The show, called Johns and Kate Plus 8, will feature Kate Lynn Dartucker, a dependently-wealthy welfare recipient, and several of her baby daddies. The show is based on the pilot, "John And Kate And Frank And Jack And The Guy Who Works At The Beer Distributors And Another Dude Who I Think Might Be My Cousin Plus Eight," explores the trials and tribulations of a single mom, raising eight, or nine kids, in a small town on welfare money and the occasional drug score.

The show's highlight includes the eight children that Kate has had to five or six different men.

"I like to call them children my little stimulus checks," said Dartucker. "They think they'z a special type Czechoslovakian, when I call them that."

Kate's five love interests also make an appearance in the real-life drama.

"They usually drop in when they need money for weed," said Dartucker. "Or when they get out of re-hab or jail or both."

Johnny Joe Barlinger, hubcap artist and lay-about, said he will be on the show.

"Just during conjugal visits," said Barlinger. "Roughly 30 seconds, not counting the cigarette."

"I always take the six for the road," he added with a laugh. "And leave the eight children behind."

Dartucker hopes the Johns and Kate Plus 8 portrays the real life of a single mom struggling to stay dependent and the life of a group of white males struggling to remain stuck in a 16-year-old, glue-huffing, AC-DC fan stage of maturity. In the first show, for example, Kate struggles with the government to get one of her children classified as legally clumsy to receive SSI funding.

"He just don't get around like a natural human being does," said Dartucker. "He's forever bumping into such-and-suches and what-nots. Like his brain may be on the deep end of the ropes when it comes to retardednation."

But chronic clumsiness is much harder to prove.

 "I just wished he was born with flippers like the rest of my childrens," Dartucker continued.