DotPenn

Give us your shiftless, your indolent, your slugs yearning for free housing.

For the past 20 years, Tyrone has become synonymous with that gritty, blue-collar determination to turn a once-thriving, hard-working middle class community into the shiftless, non-working underbelly of central Pennsylvania.

Recognizing that, Tyrone just secured a little piece of subsidized history by attaining its 20th consecutive Section 8 Championship. The challenge pits communities against each other in a competition to build and maintain the most Section 8 housing units on a per capita basis.

“It’s really hard to put a good town down, but we did it,” said Guy Fardley, president of Tyrone’s Poor Planning Commission. “We preach consistency in this town. If you’re digging yourself into a hole, keep digging.”

At one time, Tyrone had few public and Section 8 housing, but over the past 20 years the town has surpassed nearby communities for these types of units. The amount has far outstripped the demand for the locally indolent; the town is actually attracting bums from other towns, including major cities.

“When you have people from New York City, Philadelphia, and Pittsburgh saying, I want to make Tyrone the place where I can not have a job and have other people raise my children,” Fardley said. “Well, that’s not something every town can say.”

Tamara Clacker, another member of the Tyrone Poor Planning Commission, said the town expects to encounter challenges over the next few years. With I-99 expected to be completed in the next millenium, the more affluent State College residents are seeking cheaper housing and an easy commute. This could cause an increase in real estate tax revenue and higher property values.

“We’re doing what we can to thwart this,” Clacker said. “Putting a bunch of Godzilla-sized industrial wind turbines on the ridges should keep those rich, working jerks from polluting the community with their work ethic and increased tax base.”

Clacker said the town may be poor in some ways, but considers itself rich in poor infrastructure and poor planning.
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Media on Economy: Recession. Depression. Please advertise!  

Economists received gloomy news last week that the worst economy since the depression grew by over a half percent.

“At this rate I’ll be dead before most of humanity is killed and the rest of us are forced to endure a hand-to-mouth existence as subsistence farmers and mastodon hunters,” Malbert Crickendale, economist for the DotPenn financial report said. “I wish the Democrats in Congress would get off their asses and do something to speed up this demise.”

Crickendale said that mainstream media’s continual harping on the “subprime implosion,” “credit massacre,” “unprecedented foreclosures” and “Brittany’s meltdown” should have had far worse effects on mass consciousness by now.

“It’s like too many people are watching Lost, or something,” Crickendale said. “People need to wake up and take care of the demise of their own destinies here!”

Eric Reginald Waller, a Bellefonte resident who regularly makes his mortgage payments and has a good credit history, is also worried about the glimmer of economic hope.

“When I saw that Jose Conseco lost his 7,000 square foot house to foreclosure I thought that it would be the end of the real estate market as we know it,” Waller said. “I mean if a drug-addled rat of a ballplayer can’t keep his mansion, who am I not to be knocked down a few pegs?”

Waller said the few hundred dollars in the government’s recent stimulus package has done little to lift his spirits.

“Do you know the price of steroids?” Waller asks. “How are a few measely hundred bucks going to help Mr. Conseco? I am devastated.”
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In other headlines…

Basketball player waives hearing. Court thankful it was all he was waving.

Suspect can’t remember burglary… I mean… can’t remember not burglarizing.

You say ‘overdosing on heroin while driving in a school zone’ like it’s a bad thing.

Tolerance? Alternative sporting enthusiasts not welcome in State College. 

In a move that’s being compared to the raid of Greenwich Village’s Stonewall gay bar, State College Borough police raided the Grandstand Bar last evening.

“We couldn’t believe it, men watching racing on television with other men,” State College anti-redneck task force chief Donday Brooks said. “Wearing elaborately-festooned satin jackets with the name of their ‘guy’ on it. Just sickening.”

The task force said a small riot broke out after the raid.

“A few of them racers gathered and began to chant,” Brooks said. “They also started to throw their foamy coasters at us and threatened to ‘get ‘er done.’ Whatever that means.”

He said race fans chanted, “We’re here. Drinking beer. Get used to it” and “No teeth. No justice.”

Over the past decade, State College residents, afraid of excessive lawn ornaments and plummeting property values, have tried to make it uncomfortable for people who watch alternative sports, like NASCAR and hockey, and force them to relocate to more tolerant communities, such as Curwensville and DuBois.

Some say this crackdown has been excessive. Steve Gnarrish, a NASCAR advocate, said that this intolerant behavior has to stop.

“We are your sons and brothers and we’re men just like you,” Gnarrish said. “Except, we’re Ford men and Chevy men and even some Toyota men.”
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In other headlines…

How many State College residents does it take to make a concession stand?

Slow Mifflin Streakers arrests. Vow to train harder, look better next year.

Property tax increase may require bigger casinos.