Handlers for Punxsutawney Phil are scrambling to explain a group of emails that indicate the forecasting rodent has faked his climate change predictions.

"If I wrote it in steel. If I wrote it in cement," said Dunston Leeds, spokesperson for Phil. "The answer would be the same. No comment."

Phil, who reportedly saw his shadow yesterday, is forecasting six more weeks of winter and a spiraling budget deficit. However, in one email Phil tells a shrew in East Anglia University that recent evidence contradicted his six-week slide in temperature.

"Data, schmata," Phil wrote. "I have grant checks I gotta cash."

Phil also wrote that he would leave out other prognosticating varmints who disagree with his conclusions out of his journal, "Studies In Folklorish Weather Prediction." 

Last year, French Creek Freddie, of French Creek, WV, dared to go against the prevailing notion that the world would get cooler in the following six weeks.

Phil appeared to reference this, "Keep Freddie out. He can start his own journal. If a West Virginny groundhog can write at all."

Not content with his administration's remarkable snow job creation, President Barack Obama told a teleprompter that snow job creation has just started.

 "We have to put America back to work on believing snow jobs, like hope and change," Obama said. "Yes. We can."

The administration said that snow job creation was something they campaigned on and that they delivered on those promises. Obama cited Homeland security, Gitmo closure, health care, transparency, honesty, and the green economy as some of the snow jobs proposed during the 2008 campaign.

"Green economy," said Obama. "That was a good one. I don't even know what that means."

Obama's Snow Job Czar Edward Zizzerhunds believes that the critics are not giving the administration credit for the amount of snow jobs maintained.

"We inherited this political climate," said Zizzerhunds. "And we preserved millions of those snow jobs."

New snow jobs can be created in other sectors. Job creation and small business could be other areas for snow job growth.

"Telling people that government can create job will save and create 3.6 million jobs," Obama told the teleprompter."Hope. Change. Yes we can."

Even the teleprompter said it was bullshit.

If Danny Glover thinks planet Earth was mad that no agreement was signed at Copenhagen, wait until he hears that the earth is a big Lethal Weapons fan.

The anthropomorphic Big Blue Marble has followed the Lethal Weapons series from its inception and is not happy with the on-again, off-again rumors of Lethal Weapon 5.

"Hey, I'm covered three-quarters by water, the other fourth is covered by Riggs," the large rock said. "Ha. Ha. I'm kidding. But, seriously, get it done Glover. You, too, Gibson."

Glover recently accused the Earth of causing the earthquake in Haiti after becoming enraged at mankind for not ratifying a global climate change bill in Copenhagen.

"Oh, no one can prove that," said the Earth. "Sounds more like Jehovah."

The Earth said it will cause a massive natural disaster, if the sequel isn't made.

"Glover. Listen to me," the Earth said. "I don't see Lethal Weapon 5 in my theater next Memorial Day, Turks and Caicos gets it."

According to the Earth, the type of natural disaster will strike the small island chain.

"Earthquake, fire, hurricane, national health care, it doesn't matter to me," said the Earth. "Maybe a tsunami. I just like saying that: tsunami. That's fun."

 Washington D.C. ghost hunters are used to seeing strange things.

Last night, a group investigating claims that Arlington National Cemetery is haunted said they witnessed an apparition dancing on the grave of Ted Kennedy.

"We couldn't seem to get our video cameras to work," said Arlen Schpootz, "The massive bureaucracy of Washington D.C. seemed to suck out the life of our batteries, but we did make visual contact."

Schpootz and his team said the ghost appeared to be that of Mary Jo Kopechne, the young aid who was killed in a car driven by Kennedy.

The team watched stunned as she danced on the grave site. It appeared to be the Hustle.

"Is there a connection?" Schpootz wondered. "It's impossible to know. Perhaps the Hustle is symbolic in some way. Or, maybe she never learned to do the Jerk. We paranormal researchers are used to such mysteries."

The team said, oddly, the ghost wore a Scott Brown campaign t-shirt.

"That wouldn't be clothes of the period," said Schpootz. "We can only speculate."

It wasn't the only supernatural activity occurring on Tuesday evening. Millions of conservatives said they witnessed the hand of God moving on the country.