Speaker of the Housewives, Nancy Pelosi, is personally conducting negotiations to ensure that political suicide is covered in the health care reform bill.

Pelosi said that members are worried that political incoherence is a pre-existing condition and might not be covered by most health care providers.

"It's just abominable, incomprehensible and other big words that the greedy insurers would not lend a hand to help a member of Congress who is about to fall on the biggest, nastiest sword in political history," said Pelosi. "Did I mention greedy insurers, because I have to fit that in."

According to the wording of the legislation, political suicides must be part of minimal health care coverage.

"We can't all be Arlen Specter," said Pelosi. 

The new political suicide coverage will be added to other additions to the House's bill, such as loans for unemployed circus little people, a lifetime supply of chocolate for the chronically depressed, and millions of dollars in research for peanut substitute for those with nut allergies.

President Obama is postponing his trip to Indonesia to try to stand around a podium with people dressed up like doctors.

"Let me be clear on this," Obama said. "Hope. Change. Lab coats." 

Devastated by an earthquake and still living in fear of aftershocks, the people of Chile are still concerned about the less fortunate and loosely dressed.

Chilean entertainers and soccer stars held a concert to buy exercise trainer Jillian Michaels an actual shirt. Michaels can only afford half-shirts and sports bras, despite television appearances and a range of product endorsements.

"No woman should live this way," said Gustav Berriberri, star forward for the Santiago El Guapos. "She doesn't even have a shirt that can cover her magnificent six packs of the abdominal muscles." 

Michaels is a trainer on the hit show, "The Biggest Loser."

"The biggest loser is the producers of the show who don't even pay her enough to buy a t-shirt," said Berriberri. "Shame on this!"

Constance Salena, a jazz dancer, said the concert raised enough money to send Michaels some shirts and a long pair of pants.

The group also collaborated on the song, "We are the belly button," which details the plight of the half-shirted trainer. 

"We don't call it a cover song. We call it a coverage song," Salena explained. "God knows she needs it." 

 Not just content with being Bill Nye, the Science Guy, the nation's leading nerd will take on a new role: Bill Nye, the Political Science guy.

Nye said more political ideology is needed among the nation's youngsters.

"There just isn't enough political indoctrination in the schools," said Nye. "Sure English class, social studies, history, health, gym, music, and art classes have all been corrupted by the left-leaning educational establishment, but the sciences have been left almost free of demagoguery."

Nye said his political science guy character will change that.

 "Any time the reactionary powers threaten science--and by science--I mean the grant sources of science, I will strike!" said Nye. "Political science guy to the rescue."

Nye said he is alarmed at the attacks on global warming orthodoxy.

"That's all science needs is a bunch of people running around questioning things and creating new theories," said Nye. "It's unpatriotic."

Nye said that the only climate change that shouldn't be promoted is political climate change.

A slight glitch while using the remote led an Altoona man to a strange television channel called "CNN" last night.

"My thumbs are kinda big and I guess I hit the wrong button, or something," said Vern Gerns. "It was the strangest thing."

The formal name of the station was the "Cable News Network."

"You ever hear of it?" said Gerns. "Nah. Me neither." 

Gerns said his friends or family never heard of the channel, either. 

According to Gerns, the television channel featured 24 hours of news segments. The segments didn't necessarily jibe with reality, making him think initially it was a satire show with that "John Stewart feller."

His wife speculated the channel originated from a foreign country.

"It must have been from France, possibleF," said his wife, Fellicia Gerns. "I never heard of some of those things that were happening. Weird."

Gerns later researched the station. According to his research, CNN was originally the only 24-hour news station on cable, but quickly became the mouthpiece of the Democratic Party and left-leaning organizations.

Gerns said he won't visit the channel again.

"It's kind of like the time my family visited that ghost town," said Gerns. "It was amusing, but I wouldn't want to live there, you know."