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Following the mass shooting in Arizona that claimed the life of a young girl and federal judge, Americans are asked to show more civility in public discourse, or feel the immediate physical ramifications of not keeping their piehole shut. Jefferson Longhorn Dadbern, a 26-term Democratic Congressman from Georgia, said he has had his own life threatened on several occasions. "Why my mistress's husband threatened to tar and feather me," said Dadbern. "Why, me, a duly representative of the fine state of Georgia. to be accused in such a manner. It's unAmerican!" Congress is debating new limits of free speech aimed at making discourse more civil. "Free speech does not mean you have the right to say mean things about people who want to raise your taxes and spend some of that money on certain ladies of the night," said Karnell Walderheed, a Democratic senator's aide. "Our founding fathers did not anticipate such debate." New laws will punish uncivil debate with a sock in the nose on the first offense. Second offenses would result in a solid ass-whoopin'.
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 Policy experts familiar with the mysterious power exchange architecture of North Korea say a new contender for power has appeared: Kim Ill-Kardashian. Only people named Kim are permitted to hold power in the hermit kingdom. Kim Il-Sung was the nation's first leader, followed by Kim Novak, for a brief period during the 1960s. "The Eternal Leader was a real fan of 'Bell, Book and Candle,' so he named her heir to the throne," said Kim Chee, an expert on North Korea. "But, she took over the Rat Pack instead." After finding out that possible heir Kimberly Clark was just a paper company, the Eternal Leader was forced to name his son, Kim Jong-Il to the leadership post. Earlier this month, North Korea experts suggested that Kim Jong-Il's son, Kim Jong-Un or, possibly Erica Jong-Un, may be named Pepperoni and Mushroom Leader, which they say is an initial step toward being named Supreme Leader. "Once they achieve the People's Anchovy and take over the council of Sausage, they are officially in charge," said Chee. However, this move may be in question. Kim Il-Kardashian has appeared to be gaining more power within the country's abstract power base. Karsashian is single and looking, after all. "She's making her move," said Chee. "There's even talk about a propaganda reality show being green lighted by E."
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Muslims from around the world gather to celebrate new Saudi synagogue. The Mecca Synagogue and Jewish Cultural Center, a 13-story Jewish cultural center proposed for a site two blocks from Mecca, an Islamic holy site, cleared its likely final hurdle when the Mecca and Medina Landmarks and Preservation Commission voted 9-0 to deny protected landmark status to the building currently occupying the site, a "I Hate The Jews" t-shirt stand.
The decision is believed to be the last legal impediment to the project going forward. The commission, whose 11 members are all appointed by Saudi King Abdullah, held its meeting yesterday morning in lower Mecca, in the shadow of the Masjid al-Haram.
Commission member Ahmed Al-Alawiwi was willing to acknowledge the controversy surrounding the proposal, saying that the building near the mosque, is a part of Islam's holy site. But Al-Alawiwi said that connection was not enough to warrant landmark status. “One cannot designate hundreds of buildings on that criteria alone. We do not landmark the sky,” he said. "Unless there are Israeli F-15's in the area."
Mayor Muhammad Bloomamunda applauded the commission’s decision, saying in a speech on soon after the vote that the issue touched on the foundations of Islam. "It's all about tolerance, Islam is a religion of tolerance. And peace," Bloomamunda said. "Right?" "You better say 'right' or we will kill you all," Bloomamunda said. "Have a nice day."
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Dollar may no longer be the stripper's default currency. Ernie J. Jackson, Sr., of Altoona, is the city's leading expert on U.S. monetary policy and a firm believer in the Federal Reserve Board's recent effort to print more dollar bills. As one of the city's major supporters of exotic dancers and sometimes just plain weird dancers, Jackson said the cheap dollar policy of the Fed keeps more dollars in circulation, especially in garter belts and g-strings. "I'm all for the Fed printing more dollar bills," said Jackson, as he carefully creases a stack of dollar bills lying on the table in front of him. "It's just sound economic policy in the strip joint." Jackson said he doubts that increasing the number of dollars will lead to higher prices and a stagnant economy. In fact, Jackson said the unique position of the dollar as the default currency in strip joints makes the cheap dollar even more attractive. And, if there are two things that Jackson likes, it's cheap and attractive. "I still get the same amount of attention from these girls as I did in the past, with no sign of inflation," said Jackson. "One dollar still gets a booty shake and a booby shake." Notorious LeBump, a local dancer, is skeptical of Jackson's economic theory. "I'm worried that the loose monetary policy will result in both an increase in inflationary pressures, as well as runaway government expansion, which will lead to a rapidly declining economic condition for private enterprise," said LaBump. "It's just not a sustainable model for a strong economic recovery." "Shake it baby!" Jackson retorts.
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Obama worries cracker, white cracker babies support is at stake. The Obama administration is reeling after several race-based debacles. Now the poll numbers are suggesting the mishaps are hurting the President. Officials are worried that the administration looks racist. This misrepresentation could mean the they'll lose both the Cracker vote and elements of the Honkie voting block. Obama pollster Reginald Ferrengotti paints a stark picture of what's at stake for the nation's first post-whitey presidency. "We are a full eight percentage points down among drunk, cracker-assed crackers and five percent down among those rich, pussified urban honkies," Ferrengotti said. "I'd tell you what the rednecks are trending, but none of thempoor bastards pay their phone bills. What I gotta go out there and count 'em on their porches? No way." Ferrengotti said the administration hopes to pull some of the Honkey vote back by labeling them racists if they call the Obama administration racist. "It's a reverse-reverse discrimination tactic," said Ferrengotti. But they've largely written off the cracker, beauhunk, hymie, hick, wop, and kraut support. "It's hard to believe in this day and age that a cracker would get so sensitive about race," said Ferrengotti.
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