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Nerds will no longer academically intimidate other students.

A new plan will make sure nerds are not allowed to dominate the classroom, a move called “academic terrorism.” A new bill, referred to as the “No Nerd Left in Front Act,” would make sure smart kids take a back seat in the nation’s public schools.

“Our schools are churning out the same bunch of over-achievers,” said the bill’s sponsor, Tex Derner (D-Antis Township). “If you ain’t got thick glasses and braces, you ain’t excelling. Where’s the, I say, Where’s the diversity, y’all?”

Teachers now must be held accountable for the number of nerds they are producing.

The plan calls for a moratorium on how many Rush and prog-rock albums that teenage academics are allowed to listen to. Magic, the Gathering matches will also be strictly monitored. Students will no longer be allowed to be Asian, either, Derner said.

Derner and other supporters of the legislation believe that a lack of ass-kickings and wedgie-administerings has created an environment of acceptance and tolerance of nerds, dorks, and dweebs.

“You know ever since we stopped bullying these kids they’ve been, I say, they’ve been multiplying like rabbits on Spanish fly,” Derner said. “I bet if I were a kid today, my knuckles would be a bloody mess.”

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