DotPenn

Bill, why don’t you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?

Arlen Specter (R-Eagles fan) will reportedly reveal that a sinister plot lies behind Bill Belichick’s penchant for cheating. According to a forthcoming report, the New England Patriot head coach has been programmed by elements of Major League Soccer (MLS) to destroy the National Football League from the inside.

The report states that Belichick first came in contact with MLS’s “Pele Brigade,” after failing to make the local Pop Warner football team. Belichick, already voted most likely to rig a kickball game by his elementary school classmates, fell easily into the anti-American football organization’s plan to destroy football and elevate soccer to America’s pantheon of popular sports.

Belichick spent summers in Paris where he joined a grey-sweatshirt-wearing band of dadaist poets and attended soccer workshops at Left Bank salons. Experts familiar with the case suggest Belichick’s indoctrination began there.

“From what we understand, Belichick was forced to watch boring soccer matches… which are all of them… and memorize World Cup winners,” P.E. Fellwinder, an NFL conspiracy expert said. “Eventually the monotony and the pungent odor of the French people got to him.”

Hypnotherapy sessions followed. Belichick was instructed by his handlers to return to the states, attain a position of power on an NFL league, and destroy the sport with a mix of underhanded tricks and his imp-like glare.

“What you mean: American football, a sport?” asked Pele Brigade’s enigmatic leader, Commandante One-Zero in a phone interview. “Is no sport. Is a kid’s game. How you say, the Dodge Ball, the Hind and the Seek. A game for childs.”

The Pele Brigade admits no wrongdoing, but does suggest post-War American sporting imperialism is behind this attack on football and the NFL.

“What you mean, football,” Commandante One-Zero said. “Which football are you talking about? Soccer is really football. Oh, I suppose if America names it football, it’s football and we have to name it soccer now. Is that it? What you want now? We call the baguette a bread? Hello, a baguette.”

Representatives for the New England Patriots are still on suicide watch and could not be reached for comment.

“What you mean: Patriots?” Commandante Zero asked. “Only the French Resistance is worthy of being called the patriots. Oh, in America, everyone is patriots, eh? What rubbish and filth you spread!’