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Gentlemen... and Gov. Rendell... Start your revenue-collection engines! Faced with mounting opposition from federal highway regulators, as well as in-state dissension, PennDOT has hired a public relations firm to change the perception of a proposal to turn Interstate 80 (I-80) into a toll road. The state highway's new PR firm, Blackwater Mercenary PR, said one solution is a change of vocabulary; it wants people to focus on the excitement of driving on I-80 rather than an initiative to soak drivers for every last dime. "You don't have a road between Ohio and New Jersey," said Margarette Cattleman-Peabody, spokesperson for Blackwater Mercenary PR, "You have 300-and-some-odd miles of extreme, white-knucklin', heart-poundin', life-or-death drivin' excitement!" Most motorists agree that the drive on I-80 can be a thrill-a-minute. Motorists on I-80 can expect to face the threat of being crushed between tractor trailers driven by pill-popping truckers, rear-ended by sports cars operated by booze-addled college students, and side-swiped by a van full of illegal immigrants. And that's just on the on-ramp. Plus, PennDot has been known to strand drivers for days on frozen roads. "It's a camping trip! Yay!" said the perky Cattleman-Peabody. The PR firm expects more drivers would be enticed by the admission fee, rather than a toll. People pay similar admission fees to experience thrill rides at Disney World, Six Flags, and the Pennsylvania Turnpike, she added. The firm plans to promote the admission fee on billboards in neighboring states. "I mean, can you imagine: you're driving through Ohio and there's a sign that says: Going to New Jersey? Maybe you'll make it. And maybe you won't. The I-80 thrill ride is about to begin!?!" Cattleman-Peabody said. "I can feel the suspense! I have butterflies! But that could be the six energy drinks talking." As an additional revenue stream, t-shirts will be sold at rest stops that say, "I rode I-80 and all I got was this lousy speeding ticket."
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