Snyder Township Scares Illegals “Derecho”

February 25th, 2008 · No Comments

Fear of ending up in Snyder Township has illegals thinking twice.

Decrepit infrastructure. Shoddy buildings and homes. Human and animal refuse rotting in the streets.

Is this the scene of a developing nation? No, it’s Snyder Township and it’s America’s latest weapon in the battle against illegal immigration.

“Maria! Maria! We must never come back,” said Jose Via Sanchez, tears streaming down his face. “The place of such smells and terrors!” Sanchez and his wife, Maria, illegally entered the country last October. They were apprehended on I-99 and sent to the township for processing.

“That’s kind of how we got the idea,” said Immigration and Naturalization officer Elwood Zander. “The reaction of these people was so visceral when they encountered the people and places of Snyder Township that we decided to create a pilot program called, ‘Scared Derecho,’ or Scared Straight.”

“We saw ladies who were bearded as men! And men who wore ponderous clothes of another era, like the late 60s,” Sanchez said, wiping the occasional tear that snaked down his cheek. “I kept saying to Maria, is this the circus? Is this the Carnivale? Why so many funny people and, yet, no one is laughing.”

The Sanchez family then got a glimpse of the multiple dumps in the township. “Oh, yes, and then I said to the immigration official, ‘Sir, look at the many junkyards’ and he said, ‘No. No. These are front yards.’ At this point I became unconscious.”

Snyder Township community activist Mae Belle Carson is raising questions about the practice of transporting illegal aliens through town.

“We must never seek to have the hollows of this majestic township be trodden on by outlanders,” said Carson. “Who will only bring us spicy foods, delicately-woven finery and over-grown mustaches.”

Carson also believes that excessive rolling of the letter “r” invokes demons.

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