DotPenn

Frickin’ Chicken. It beats flippin’ hamburgers.

The following is an editorial by a DotPenn reader, R. Frank Buckweed, a resident of the Greenwood section of Altoona and one of the area’s premier obscenity-wielders.

So, there I am, out driving the kids, even the boy, to dance class and I look up in the sky and what do I see?

A Sheetz Crispy Frickin’ Chicken billboard.

“What the f*ck?” I said to the wife. It’s bad enough our kids are exposed to pseudo curse words on expurgated cable television shows, but now do I gotta f*ckin’ see it plastered on our streets and avenues?

“You gotta be f*ckin’-A kiddin’ me,” my wife said.

I wish I was f*ckin’ kiddin’. The only ones who are getting f*ckin’ kidded around here are us and our M**** F*** children.

My wife and I are joining the thousands of area residents who are upset that billboards, like the Sheetz Crispy Frickin’ Chicken sign, are failing our children by replacing real curse words with namby-pamby, PG-13-rated, pseudo-curse words.

Just the other day, my daughter called her sister a ‘G.D. dork.’ I said, “G.D.? What the hell does G.D. mean? Gosh Darn? Gersh Dern? Good Day? Then, I told her to go back, cut the acronym sh*t and use the entire obscenity in all its blasphemous radiance. I also suggested some more precise articulations to replace the less descriptive term, “dork.”

Likewise, I caught my son referring to a young man in his class as an “M-Fer.” This is okay for text messaging, but in the vocal context, it is flaccid use of the vernacular. If we ever hope to have our children grow up as rap stars or to join organized crime, we have to nip this in the f*ckin’ bud, people.

Over the past years, our society has seen a great many–too many–swear words that, due to over-use (primarily by Eddie Murphy), have lost their power to offend and have joined the common lexicon. When I was a kid, I would get my ass whupped hard for saying “this sucks.” The other day, my priest said it. Likewise, phrases like “this blows” and “bite me” are now included in the cub scout motto and the little league pledge.

These are words and phrases that we cherished and they are gone forever. I will never be able to say, “you suck” and really mean it anymore. But, I can make sure that words like “frickin’,” or “flippin’,” or “‘freakin’,” or “fargin’,” or “farkin’” never, ever replace the F-word in all its curt, but essential glory.

My grandfather, who could curse the candor off a sailor who just stoved his thumb, once told me to never use two words, when one would do, unless the first one was a f*ckin’ adjective. Good f*ckin’ counsel to be sure.

In closing, it is my fervent hope that Sheetz and other convenience stores will pay heed to my grandpappy’s advice and cease and desist this watering down of our society’s curses, obscenities, and abominations. And that we all may come together as a community, as a people, as a nation and, from every hill and molehill of Pennsylvania and from every mountainside, let the f-word ring.

And, by the way, Sheetz ad people, I better not go by a billboard that says, “Mother Cluckin’ Chicken.”
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