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Grueling walk to work made better by shared misery, football talk. Hearing the complaints from hundreds of Penn State faculty and staff members that there is a lack of parking spaces, university officials are investigating the creation of more lots on the Lock Haven University campus. Ivan Destry, official spokesperson for the parking authority, said the new spots will serve both as a way to ease congestion and provide a vaguely-responsive gesture. "Even though we say that University Park is a pedestrian campus, we're not saying that staff members are required to walk from Lock Haven," said Destry. "They can meander. They can perambulate. They can jog. They can skip. The can do the ole soft shoe." The university is also working on alternative vehicles to ease some of the travel for workers and profs with physical disabilities. "In order to earn their stipend, grad students now must pull rickshaws to carry faculty and staff members to and from the new parking facility," said Destry. "Of course, we won't require philosophy or poli-sci students to do this because they can barely walk around campus without getting lost." The parking plan is part of the University's "Great Expectations" campaign. The plan includes the limitation of driving on its campuses and an increase in building construction that will one day pave the entire space with large, futuristic-type buildings that are as impressive as they are energy-inefficient. "In the future our staff and faculty members can simply jump from one building to the next," Destry said. "They'll also wear blue and silver jumpsuits." Penn State will only charge staff and faculty $40 for the privilege of using the Lock Haven lot and a small physical well-being fee for the walk. Other headlines... Town drunks cheer ethanol project. Residents plan protest against drug clinic. Addicts too itchy for counter-protest. And, from the truth is weirder than DotPenn department... Woman accused of butter knife attack. Butter-Margaraine debate motivates fight.
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