Reenactor Asks State College Council to Condemn Seige of Vicksburg

March 26th, 2008 · 1 Comment

Reenactor: Grant lied. People died.

State College Borough Council has once again jumped into a contentious fray–this time the American Civil War.

Lt. General Robert Fitzhugh Beauregard Lukeswarmer, of the 1st Virginia Mounted Artillery Reenactment Brigade, gave an impassioned plea for the people of Vicksburg at the council meeting, asking for the council’s condemnation of what he referred to as a “Yankee-inspired dog fight.”

“There are… I say… there are women and children who are under considerable duress and have been without the most basic of sanitary conditions,” Lukeswarmer said. “Many… I say… many of our servants are injured and are rapidly losing Kelly Blue Book value even as we speak.”

Lukeswarmer said that the city of Vicksburg has been surrounded and no aid is getting into the city.

“There have been horrible stories of slaves being forced to eat horse meat and white folks being forced to go without the prerequisite amount of mint in their mint jullips,” Lukeswarmer said. “Horrid, I say, horrid.”

Lukeswarmer recognized that the council could not go back in time and end the seige, but that council’s symbolic action may improve the morale of his men, encamped on the grounds of the Boalsburg Military Museum.

“My men have reenacted long and hard for our new, fragile nation,” Lukeswarmer said as some members of his brigade hummed the tune, Dixie. “We only ask that your fair town and those sympathetic to the southern cause bring back the spirit of the 60’s. The… I say… the 1860s.”

Council spokesperson Mildred Pennybacker, said the council is prepared to make a stand for Dixie. “We are in agreement that way down yonder in the fields of cotton, old times there should not be forgotten,” Pennybacker said. “Council simply can not look away. Look away. Look away.”

In other action, the council has officially recognized the existence of unicorns, provided funds for a leprechaun scholarship and completed plans for the Penn State football team’s national championship celebration.

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