Town Drunk Revolutionizes Food Pyramid

April 2nd, 2008 · 1 Comment

Novus Ordo Drunkorum: A new drunken order for foodies.

For years, the U.S. Department of Agriculture knew that its Food Pyramid could not serve as a nutritional guideline for central Pennsylvania residents and was little more than a giant advertisement for the meat and bread industries. It took Bill “The Glitch” Grossenheimer, longtime Tyrone drunk and barroom nutritional advocate, to re-work the pyramid into something tenable for the citizens of the Keystone state.

Grossenheimer began by reconstructing the shape of the nutritional system.

“First off, the pyramid is all wrong,” Grossenheimer said. “We all know that the pyramid was constructed by the Masons, the Jews, and their space alien compadres. And, point of fact, these alien folks don’t breathe air, nor do they use their mouths to consume food, but use tentacle suckers located under their right wrists to absorb nutrients, so how could they understand the human digestive system?”

Since the pyramid doesn’t suit, Grossenheimer devised the “Grub and Snack Cylinder.” The cylinder is a three-dimensional object like the pyramid, but reflects Grossenheimer’s balanced approach to nutrition and is shaped more like a keg or can, two objects that he reveres.

Grossenheimer explains that at the base of the nutritional system is the nut family. He recommends multiple handfuls of nuts per day.

“You got your cashews, that’s the Rolls Royce, there, as well as the lesser nuts, the peanut and the beer nut,” Grossenheimer said. “All good sources of salt and proteins that can help you when you get the cold sweats during court-mandated detox. Britney, I love ya, girl.”

Above the nuts rest the salted and cured meats.

“These are your jerkies and sandwich meats,” Grossenheimer said. “Mix liberally with garlic, onions and hoagie rolls for both carbohydrates and a remedy against latent Catholicism.”

Grossenheimer recommends unfettered amounts of pickled and spiced food stuffs for the third category.

“There is more nutritional advantage in a pickled egg, let’s say, than a fairly substantial chef salad,” Grossenheimer said. “Now, I eat only organic pickled eggs from free range chickens and only use extra extra virgin pickle juice, but that’s just my food sensitivities and certain sexual proclivities that I am unable to discuss without my psychiatrist present.”

Finally, at the top of the food pyramid is the chicken wing.

“Many people will tell you it must be the buffalo wing,” Grossenheimer said. “This is not true. It can be a wing or a drummie and a sweet, tangy barbecue sauce is just as efficacious to the digestive tract as buffalo sauce.”

Grossenheimer will present his findings at his next AA meeting, scheduled for sometime after his third DUI.
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