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Perpetual candidate looks to fight for canine control officer.

After an unsuccessful bid at Congress, perennial candidate Matt Shaner may be exploring a run at the office of Centre County Dog-Catcher.

Sources close to the Shaner campaign are suggesting that an exploratory committee will be formed and funds are already being raised. The committee already has $8 million to spend on the campaign.

Longtime supporter Benjamin Arbuckle Moneycracker said he is glad the county will finally get solid dog-catching services.

“I’m tired of seeing Tyrone dogs illegally immigrating into our district and I’m sick of law-abiding dog owners being roughed up by pooches who are unafraid of the current administration,” said Moneycracker. “Matt’s the type of guy who is unafraid of challenges and as he said, ‘If you gaze into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you,’ or maybe that was Nietzsche. But it’s still relevant.”

Current dog-catcher Jerry “Three Fingers” Louigo said he is unafraid of Shaner’s challenge.

“I have got nothing to hide, see. I’m clean, see,” Louigo said. “And he’s gonna need to muscle up a lot more than his horde of money-bag humpin’, dog lovin’ scratchbacks to send ole Jerome P. Louigo packin’ to the kennel, see.”

Very few critics feel that Shaner will be satisfied with the dog-catching office. These critics charge that this is just a stepping stone to the ultra-powerful, comparatively, animal control supervisor.

“Absolute dog-catching power corrupts absolutely,” Louigo said.

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