DotPenn

Let them eat rice cakes: Food prices put the gore in gourmet.

Faced with rising food prices around the globe, State College Wegmans will restrict sales of sushi, lamb, lobster, and other high-priced foodstuffs to the area’s culinary snobs.

R. J. Hinkleman, Wegmans’ foodie liaison, said that the company is working to establish new supplies of the delicacies, but the world market for food is tight. The massive appetite of State College’s white bread upper crust is not helping matters, Hinkleman added.

“You should see the mouths on some of these people,” Hinkleman said. “They look like someone put J. Crew clothes on a school of mako sharks. I lost my ring finger when I passed a filet mignon cut at the meat counter. Nipped the raw meat right outta my hand”

Foodies received the news about the sushi restrictions with an existential angst and a subdued snippiness. It’s the best they can muster during the Bush administration.

“This is an abomination,” said Prescott Merrysdale. “Because of the lax breeding practices in developing nations, I’m forced to cut back on the full gourmet experience.”

“Aren’t there other foodstuffs that the poor can consume?” Merrysdale asks rhetorically with a sniff. “I notice a lot of bugs in those Christian Children Fund commercials. Perhaps they should stop always thinking of themselves.”

Merrysdale said that he will write a folk song to protest the ban on mass sushi consumption.

“I have entitled it, ‘Brother can you spare a recipe,’ but that’s a working title,” Merrysdale said. “I’m also writing a one-act play for my acting workshop to express my feelings about culinary starvation. I could see Treat Williams playing myself.”

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