State College motto: The air is clearer where the nose is higher.
While the American Lung Association named Pittsburgh the “sootiest” city in America, fellow Keystone State community State College basked in the news that it received Snooty American magazine’s designation as the country’s Snootiest City.
According to the magazine, State College is known for its pristine streets, natural gas-powered buses that most “Staties” wouldn’t be caught dead in, and an upper crust that’s so crusty it leaves flakes scattered through out the community.
The magazine’s editor, Archibald Leecher, said that the town blew away the competition, most notably Martha’s Vineyard and Seattle.
“We had one of our writers dress as a hobo and feign a heart attack in the middle of College Avenue,” Leecher said. “We were delighted by the number of citizens who stepped over the carcass without a pause in their cell phone conversation.”
Leecher said when the State College police threatened the dead hobo with littering, they were sure they had the winning community. The magazine also passed around a questionnaire to citizens before they were arrested for pan-handling and told to go to Bellefonte. Another huge check-mark in the plus column, Leecher said.
State College Anti-Tourism Board member Charise Flambay offered tempered praise for the study.
“It’s obviously nice to be recognized for, what we like to call, our inclusive exclusivity,” Flambay said. “But we don’t want too much news to get out to certain undesirable populations who might think they’re worthy enough to re-locate here.”
“And, by undesirable people, I, of course, mean people from Clearfield and surrounding environs,” Flambay said. “You can take the hick from the sticks, but you can’t take the sticks from the hick, or so the saying goes.”
State College residents seemed nonplussed by the notoriety.
“Do I know you?” said State College citizen Brandi Wallace-Jones. “Then get out of my face. And it’s Wallace-Jones with a hyphen. Get it right.”
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12 responses so far ↓
1 bippity boppity boo // May 2, 2008 at 4:31 am
Well, this gave me a chuckle this morning! Thanks! Although, I hope everyone in State College is so snobby, especially since I have relatives there!
2 bippity boppity boo // May 2, 2008 at 4:32 am
Actually, I meant NOT so snobby…maybe that just proves your point. though. Hmmm….
3 HotChaChaCha // May 2, 2008 at 5:42 am
I have relatives in State College, too. Sometimes we meet in public places, but I have to wear a hood.
4 Ricardo Almquist III // May 2, 2008 at 5:58 am
Well said! Stay in Clearfield and out of MY TOWN!
5 Big Jimmie Beaver // May 2, 2008 at 8:51 am
Well there you have it!
If you want to hang out with folk like Ricardo go to State College. If you want to be treated well no mater who you are then go to Clearfield where everyone has a smile and beer for you.
6 Ricardo Almquist III // May 2, 2008 at 8:55 am
A smile without teeth is not a smile I want to see. I’m glad State College Borough Council has the good grace to keep the place clear of offensive individuals.
7 Big Jimmie Beaver // May 2, 2008 at 10:21 am
Glad to see your showing the world how great “Happy Valley” is.
I’m just glad that I live in a small town where we keep the likes of folks like you out.
We don’t need BMW’s, 250k of debt, and endless “Wisdom”
We just need friends, fishing, beer, and Nascar.
8 BilboShagginz // May 2, 2008 at 10:26 am
A smile without teeth in not a smile I want to see.
A frown without lips is not a frown to me.
An ear without lobes is half an ear I agree
But a six-fingered hand
shakes just the same clearly
9 Ricardo Almquist III // May 2, 2008 at 11:25 am
Well said Bilbo. I’ve always been a fan of the critically acclaimed poetry published in Town and Gown. Just another benefit of hanging out with the BMW crowd, I suppose.
10 ChrisCraft // May 2, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Hold on a sec there Ricko, State College has it’s undesirables too! You just don’t see them because they’ve been pushed out into the townships and made to stay hidden behind their government subsidized forsythia bushes.
11 Ricardo Almquist III // May 2, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Chrisso: NOT IN MY TOWN.
Frankly the townships are no better than Clearfield, in this regard and many others. They’re certainly no Borough.
12 Maltoona // May 2, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I also heard State College tore down the trailer courts as a way to stop tornados.
These bastards are brilliant.
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