You want caption, eh? You Americans and your silly captions. Write it yourself. I am tired of cowboys and the need to write photo descriptions.
What rock and roll, post-modern literature, and loose Tyrone women couldn’t do, Bellwood-Antis parents are now afraid that a European sport will–destroy the sporting culture of its town.
Bellwood-Antis, a perennial PIAA Single A football and baseball powerhouse, is losing participation from the town’s youngsters, who seem to be lured away by the siren whistle of European football, or soccer.
“It’s them damn soccer moms and their wispy non-judgemental inclusion,” said Joey Maurice Flenwell, father of Kurt, former star quarterback for a Bellwood little league football team. “Damn them and their cupcake-filled mini-vans.”
Flenwell said his son recently quit football and joined the Bellwood Le Bleu Diable, a little league soccer club. He has also started to listen to Edith Piaf and has purchased all of Jerry Lewis’s movies on DVD.
“He’s becoming French,” Flenwell said. “I’d rather he be a cross-dresser, or play football for Tyrone.”
When Flenwell’s son, Kurt, isn’t languishing around the soccer field, he spends most of his time in a small downtown Bellwood outdoor cafe sipping on espresso, discussing Socialist politics, and arguing about great soccer clubs.
“Eees, how you say, complicated for my… ummm… mother and the father to understand how eeemportant soccer is to me,” Kurt said as he adjusts his beret and takes a effeminate puff on his cigarette. “I find this American football to be so much of the sweatiness, and the shoulder pads, and the… ummm… huffing and puffing. Meh. Not so good for me.”
Adeline Mayweather-Scott, vice-premier for the Bellwood soccer league and owner of the town’s croissant bakery, Le Carb Feste, said she doesn’t understand the backlash among football and baseball fans.
“Soccer is practiced in every civilized country, including North Korea,” Mayweather-Scott said. “Why can’t Americans be more internationalized and join the world community? I ask you why be petite bourgeois when you can be Bourgeois with a capital B.”
Members on both sides are planning to meet to find a solution.
“In the old days when we had several groups opposed to the other’s existence we had a good old fashioned gang fight,” Flenwell said. “Now, I suppose we’ll all meet, sip coffee and try to find common ground like a bunch of wusses.”
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9 responses so far ↓
1 Aces // May 12, 2008 at 5:52 am
Soccer Sucks.
2 Fartf Linger // May 12, 2008 at 6:52 am
Soccer… it’s disgusting.
SAVE FOOTBALL - the only REAL sport
3 A Concerned Student // May 12, 2008 at 7:30 am
It’s not just Soccer.
They’re serving foie gras and frogs legs at the cafeteria!
Who will stop this madness!
4 Big Jimmie Beaver // May 12, 2008 at 7:35 am
Man, I used to say Soccer sucked to. But as a father of a kid in Soccer, this sport is awesome for the kids.
Imagine a sport where everyone gets to play not just the kids who their parents almost drive them into the ground making them great.
Or how about a game that involves the kids in constant motion getting exercise and not standing in the outfield waiting and waiting for a ball to come.
Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with Football or Baseball, It’s just nice to see a sport that the kids actually like to play and not a sport that the parents pushed them into playing.
5 RWEmerson // May 12, 2008 at 7:46 am
Soccer is ok for girls.
But it’s hard to heckle my sons and reinforce how much they are disappointing me when they are playing soccer.
That is because I don’t understand what the hell is going on.
Blow whistle. Kick ball. Repeat.
Give me a real sport.
6 Big Yank // May 12, 2008 at 8:02 am
The French military has used the game of Soccer as a training tool for generations.
The conditioning that Big Jimmy mentioned above has made the French Soldier renowned for his ability to run away.
If I recall correctly it was invented by Napoleon when he noticed that his troops weren’t running away from Russia fast enough.
7 ChekYoSelf // May 12, 2008 at 8:28 am
Maybe we can take up some other French pastimes for instance German boot licking and powdered wig wearing.
8 Pacowithtaco // May 12, 2008 at 11:19 am
It is a simple sport really. I am sure Coach Hayes could couch the football and soccer teams simultaneously.
9 Banksy // May 12, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I don’t like soccer - but I love French Pastries!
I can’t get enough of them. Eclairs, macarons, petit four, croquembouche - just thinking about them is making me salivate. Mmmmmm, petit four.
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