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Booze and Dope: Deadbeat dads learn to cope with Go-Go 21st century.

For the harried office worker, the life of a Welfare recipient must seem like an eternal vacation. Not so. As the number of networks increase and the number of online porn outlets and video games multiply, people on welfare are finding less time to drink booze and take drugs separately.

This compressed schedule has made multi-tasking necessary.

“I swear to God, it’s like I got two jobs,” George Wallace Foreman, of Tyrone, said. “I thought technology would make my substance abuse easier. Boy, was I misled!”

Foreman has sired six children with four different women and one female family member. “I think she’s a cousin,” Foreman added.

Foreman said he used to do drugs and booze in distinct binges, usually a week for each one. He now tries to do both at the same time, while watching porn, “when I get a chance.”

“Plus I got a video game habit,” Foreman said. “Yeah, I’m a natural at Grand Theft Auto, but I keeps tellin’ the characters don’t steal it, when the government will give it to you for free.”

Luckily, Foreman isn’t tied down to a job that would constrict his schedule even tighter and, since he shacks up in the homes of his many Welfare-endowed lady friends, he doesn’t have the weight of mortgage or rent cramping his style.

Lucinda Catterdale, one of Foreman’s “old ladies” said that despite Foreman’s busy substance abuse agenda, he still finds time to serve as a role model for her children.

“If we want to continue to deepen the traditions of dependency among our future generations, we need someone they can look up to and the kids really look up to George,” Catterdale said. “Except when he’s passed out on the front stoop, then they kinda have to step over him.”
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