“Leaves for our times.” Rendell solves central Pennsylvania problem.
Waving a piece of paper before he boarded a plane, Governor Edward “G-Moth” Rendell announced, “We will have leaves for our times!”
After meeting with a delegation of gypsy moths, Rendell said the moths would be allowed to deforest central Pennsylvania, in return for a promise that their territorial ambitions would be satisfied and that they wouldn’t encroach on the only place that matters in the state–Philadelphia.
“With this document, I assure the citizens of Philadelphia that their twelve trees will be saved,” Rendell said. “And the several shrubbery and various bushes will not be chewed!”
As part of the agreement, the gypsy moths are permitted to ravage sections of central Pennsylvania. Some areas, such as state game lands, will be off-limits to the voracious critters.
Toftrees golf course, an exclusive area near State College, was not on the governor’s list of protected areas.
Members of the Toftrees Resort and Country Club say they are not happy with the agreement, said member J. Rollins Biggens, III. “This action has essentially left us alone to fend for ourselves,” Biggens said. “We shall have no other recourse but to engage in a guerrilla war with the ugly creatures.”
The war against the moths could be long and costly. “We shall fight them from the cotillion. We shall fight them on the masseuse table. We shall fight them in the streets during Arts Fest,” Biggens said. “We shall never surrender! Relatively speaking.”
Biggens said they plan to outsource much of the war. “We will pay the poor people of the community a bounty to step on the bugs,” Biggens said. “Ewww! There’s one now! Quick, to the bunker at hole eleven!”
Members of Bugs First, a bug liberation group based in Philadelphia, are applauding the governor’s move. “The central Pennsylvanians must learn to share the land with our bug friends,” said the movement’s founder, Gwendall Imus, “In much the same way as the taxi shares the road with the bus in Philadelphia, the only place that matters in Pennsylvania.”
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In other news…
PSU wrestling competes with football team for worst headlines.
Smoking banned. People permitted to spontaneously combust, though.
Blair Detention Home closed. Young lawbreakers told to just stay in Bellwood.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Ricardo Almquist III // Jun 4, 2008 at 6:50 am
While I agree Philadelphia is a nice city, it lacks the history, charm, and quality of State College. Rendell is acting just like those facists in the GOP. This is depressing…
2 Big Jimmie Beaver // Jun 4, 2008 at 7:19 am
I wish there was a way that we could expel State College and Philadelphia from the state of Pennsylvania.
They could form a great state together they could call it “Entitlement Land” or “Elitistville” or maybe “Snobvania”
3 Ricardo Almquist III // Jun 4, 2008 at 9:29 am
Beaver: A better plan would be to expel the areas that are not State College or Philadelphia. We could call them “Republicania” or perhaps “Wasteland”. It would be amusing to watch people flee the newly founded “Republicania” when they realize how utterly hopeless their lives have become.
4 Banksy // Jun 4, 2008 at 1:38 pm
As long as the gypsy moths are not affecting the food supply–the Milky Way bar, the Take Five bar, etcetera–I see no reason why we can’t allow nature to take its course.
I once ate a small maple tree during a scout outing.
5 Big Jimmie Beaver // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:16 am
It would be quite amusing to watch all the folks flee that live day by day on government hand outs in “Republicania”
Because in “Entitlement Land” Welfare, Methadone Clinics, Income Redistribution, Section 8 housing will all be paid for by the extremely high taxes so that these folks can sit on their but and watch Soap Operas.
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