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Le Benchwarmer: soccer players are shocked over lack of play time.

The pandemic of soccer has swept through Bellwood, leaving a trail of Global Bench Warmers–and some frayed soccer mom nerves.

Bellwood’s soccer moms and dads are accusing some coaches of turning the semi-athletic, let’s-hold-hands-and-sing-Puff-the-Magic-Dragon game of European football into a competitive sport. Even more damning, at least two coaches are accused of trying to influence the score of the game by keeping “non-good” team members on the bench for extended periods of time.

Raven Hopperswood, a mother of a pathetic excuse of a soccer player, said she will pull her son from the sports club. “My child spent last game sitting on the bench,” Hopperswood said. “Sure, he is afraid of the ball and when it comes to him he screams and runs across the parking lot, but he still needs to feel valued.”

Terrence Dubois, likewise, said his son has had his self-esteem lowered by his lack of playing time. “Who does the coach think he is, John Hayes?” Dubois said. “I have a good notion to let him play football, where at least he’ll have the opportunity to have his ass kicked by Tyrone kids on an annual basis.”

Terrence’s son, Raphael Dubois, said he was drawn to soccer by its indifferent attitude toward both winning and post-game showers. He sniffs at his glass of white wine as he contemplates a small plate of escargot, “I was, how you say, intrigued by the notion of this soccer,” Raphael said. “I mean, the ball, she was so small and the net, she was so big. How could I miss, no?”

The coaches soon ruined the experience, he said. “Then, you know, here comes these Texan cowboys. You Americans with your ‘you win now,’ you know,” Raphael said. “And the ‘you come to practice promptly’ and say that watching my Jerry Lewis comedy is no such a good excuse. Uncultured brutes. Imperialists.”
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