Snyder Township: One giant leap backwards for mankind.
Deep within the hollows of West Virginia hill country, Hickonaut Manny Loster dawns a suit that will help him adjust to life in the Hick-o-sphere, a multi-hundred dollar representation of life in Snyder Township.
Loster said the suit–which consists of denim bib overalls, a huge brass belt buckle, and a truck-driver hat with a Pennzoil logo–is uncomfortable and tacky, but necessary for the plan to re-terrarize Snyder Township.
“Often the weight of the belt buckle causes me to lose balance,” Loster said. “But I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for Hickonaut training.”
Loster and six other Hickonauts will spend the next 18 months living like Snyder Township residents, eating like Snyder Township residents, drinking like Snyder Township residents and not working like Snyder Township residents.
Scientists from Penn State and Johnstown Vo-Tech have painstakingly replicated the ecosystem of Snyder Township in an enclosed laboratory.
Dr. Sigmund Floyd, lead scientist for the Hick-o-Sphere project, said the experiment was not easy. “Vee haff to make sure the entire environment is eee-zactly like life in dis township, ja?” Floyd said. “And zee correct balance of both filth and squalor must be perfect.”
Scientists estimate that Snyder Township is seven-parts old cars on blocks, two parts rusted refrigerators, and one parts smelly t-shirts. Hickonauts also must get used to the atmosphere and cuisine of the township. To acclimate themselves, hick-o-nauts are breathing nothing but putrid air and existing on chewing tobacco and beer within the Hick-o-sphere.
Floyd is cagey when it comes to revealing whether the team will encounter intelligent life in Snyder Township. “Of course, vee hear all zee time rumors und stories dat there may be a smart people valking around zee township,” Floyd said. “Whether vee vill encounter zees non-hillbilly types, vee can only guess.”
Loster gets his own unusual questions from fans of the Hick-o-sphere program. “The number one question I get is: how do I go the bathroom in Snyder Township,” Loster said. “I guess I’ll just take a squat in the street like everyone else.”
The efforts of Dr. Floyd, Loster and other Hick-o-nauts will be examined in the upcoming Discovery Channel HD documentary, “The Right Snuff.”
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6 responses so far ↓
1 Tater // Jun 23, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Tater here. Younz got some sure strange idees bout them wes virginies. I member a time with pap oh say twenny thirty years back when us Snydrs was planning ta sent sum our baccy n hooch down them poor virginny way cuz wes felt downright sofistacate pared them less happy souls n such but now seems them tables mite turned a might bit but that won keep tater down none no sir that big ole table jus keep on turnin round n such n one time tater gon come out on top them wet virginny sum bitches good yessuh by golly n such
2 Pacowithtaco // Jun 24, 2008 at 12:05 pm
One giant leap backwards for man…
3 Elmo // Jul 17, 2008 at 2:22 am
Bid(?) overalls. Even West Virginians can pronounce and spell that one correctly. Y’alls down there in Blairland must be dumber than a box of hair.
4 scooter // Jul 17, 2008 at 4:13 am
dummer’n a sack ah hammers
5 scooter // Jul 17, 2008 at 4:16 am
better get them boys a oxy ’script an welfare card, or they’ll git tarred as feds rite off
6 Sven Waring // Jul 17, 2008 at 8:01 am
damn lysdexia.
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