Rumor Mill opens: Obama is Amish! So he is.
Central Pennsylvania, land of Paper Mills, Windmills, and now, the Obama rumor mill.
DotPenn writers are currently collecting and–what the hell–creating their own rumors about presidential candidate Barack Obama to keep Obama’s Fight the Smear site busy. Obama’s site is designed to respond to smears, rumors, and whitey lies.
Sven Waring, DotPenn correspondent, said opening up the Rumor Mill will give thousands of central Pennsylvanians something better to do than going to church and expending shells at the local gunnery.
“We want to make sure that both the residents and members of the Obama campaign are kept busy,” Waring said as he rolled his fingers over a large silver crucifix that wrapped around his neck and gently tapped on the stock of a Winchester 30-30 that he cradled in his arm. “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. Lord have mercy, can I get an Amen on that?”
According to Waring, the mill has already churned out a host of rumors and collected new ones from readers. They include:
- Barack Obama’s middle name is actually “Jacob,” Amish for “Hussein.”
- As a child, Obama was trained in an Amish madrassa where he lettered in shoe-fly pie making, barn raisin’, and sureptitious seizeure of political office.
- Obama will reveal his connection to the Amish religion immediately after he is sworn in as President.
- After his break from Rev. Wright, Obama asked his mentor to give his copy of Mein Kampf back.
- Michelle Obama never calls white people, “whitey;” it’s pronounced “honkey.”
- Obama plans to raise income tax to 50 percent and expand the social security payroll tax to include everyone, but Hollywood celebrities. And the Amish.
Dotpenn readers are invited to add their own Obama rumors in the comment section. These will be immediately forwarded to the Rumor Mill for shining and packaging before they are sent to the warehouse for distribution.
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12 responses so far ↓
1 SHorty // Jun 25, 2008 at 5:22 am
Mr. Obama was formerly married to a lesbian left-handed albino midget Eskimo. The couple later divorced. His ex cited the reason for the breakup was due to Barack’s use of prejudicial language against her people and his pastor’s preachings against her people. Inuits UNITE! VOTE DOWN OBAMA!
2 DonnyB // Jun 25, 2008 at 5:37 am
Che Guevara and black power fist to feature predominantly in new Presidential seal.
3 Swillary // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:09 am
New presidential lodgings: The Whitey House.
4 Typical Whitey NY // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:54 am
Michelle is really a man!!! She is currently in the midst of “transgendering” and not doing a very good job at it.
Just look at those man hands!!!
5 RumorMeister // Jun 25, 2008 at 7:14 am
So… Hillary goes on campaign trip with Obama.
And then he shares campaign funds with her.
Oh, wait. This is supposed to be a rumor.
6 Big Jimmie Beaver // Jun 26, 2008 at 8:22 am
Oh Boy! I Don’t even know where to start with all this. Hell Central PA will most defiantly be showing it’s true redneck this fall. Hell it’s unfortunate that the boys of WV will look darn good compared to our sorry butts.
Here’s my thoughts: Vote this fall for John McCain if you think the Repubs did a good job over the past 8 years. Vote it up my friends I personally don’t like paying out the butt for everything and I’m sick and tired of hearing that were not in a recession.
Republicans = Free Markets Always Do The Right Thing. If the past 8 years have showed us anything it’s that free markets = greed and they don’t give a darn about me and you.
Republicans = Separating us even further from the rest of the world which in turn putting us in a world of crap. We don’t have the political balls in the world anymore to do a darn thing about Iran. Without support from other countries to put sanctions on those pricks we are in for a world of hurt.
Republicans = Letting the insurance companies make the rules heck with anybody who can’t afford health care coverage.
Republicans = Making more and more ethanol from corn to keep the farmers happy in the central states when we could import sugar based ethanol from down south . Corn based ethanol will drive up the cost of food to new records and there is a mandate that requires ethanol to be made from corn.
Republicans and John McCain = More the same crap that keeps our pockets empty, the rich RICH, Paying 4.00 bucks a gallon at the pump, Free Markets UNFAIR, Speculators SPECULATING, and the hell with you when you need a hand.
7 Nucky Nephart // Jun 26, 2008 at 9:01 am
Ummmm. I think you’re looking for the John McCain rumor mill. Try airamerica.com - I think it’s there.
8 Pacowithtaco // Jun 26, 2008 at 9:35 am
On a serious note. It is because of the damn dirty democrats that fuel prices are where they are. No new refineries in 30 years-blame the democrats. No nuclear plant construction-blame the democrats. No offshore drilling-blame the democrats.Higher taxesin Pennsylvania-blame the Anti-Christ Ed Rendell.
9 Big Jimmie Beaver // Jun 26, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Higher fuel cost are completely the blame of speculators at wall street. Companies like Goldman Sax is buying up all the oil in paper stocks. It used to be before the damn dirty republicans got in office there were restrictions on who could buy oil and was limited to those in the oil industry. Then the Republicans got in office and removed the regulations on oil and big hedge funds and companies starting buying up all the oil stocks. Then the future traders got in on and starting saying that oil demand was high, blah, blah, blah. You know the story. In a recent interview done by Bill O’reily with Dick Morris he spelled out how oil should be between 40 and 70 dollars a barrel if it weren’t for the future traders.
Now democrats want to put those restriction back on the FREE Market of Oil, but guess what the dirty republicans will block it and the big honcho dirty republican will VETO it.
Drilling offshore and pulling oil out of ANWAR, shale in Colorado will not even put a dent in the world market for oil and the oil pulled out of those areas wouldn’t even hit the market for 10 plus years.
Quit drinking your RED republican Kool-Aid and think about what has happened in the last 8 years. If the Fed was a little bit more like PA / Ed Rendell maybe it would be in a budget surplus instead of Humpteen Billion in debt and in a Recession. Gesh
10 Pacowithtaco // Jun 27, 2008 at 11:57 am
Supply and demand mean nothing nor due simple economics. The problem is all because of the mysterious oil speculator behind the curtain.
For every oil future that a speculator is betting that the price of oil will go up another speculator is betting the price will go down. It is a form of capitalism. Capitalism has built America.
There is plenty of oil here for us and it will not take ten years to bring it online-that is a myth.
Bill Clinton said over a decade ago “The oil in Anwar won’t come online for ten years so were not going to drill.” Well, it is ten years later we could use the millions of gallons that are not flowing right now.
I am sorry if I got your panties in an uproar. Take another hit off your bong over in Beaverland where common sense is in short supply.
11 BlueDBlueO // Jun 27, 2008 at 1:36 pm
He shoots. He scores.
12 Mitch H. // Jul 11, 2008 at 11:13 am
General Beaver! The Cameron Machine’s favorite lap-dog, lick-spittle, and pet Governor, ladies and gentlemen! Tell me, General, did you spend your years as Simon Cameron’s political sodomite thinking wistfully of the good old days getting drunk & leading Centre County farmboys to slaughter - or was it great fun being the fully bought and paid-for puppet of men with better things to do than actually consult the wishes of the electorate?
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