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Mmmm. Claysburger: Video shows police taking in target practice.

The proud members of the Claysburg Police and Boals Crick Bear Dispatchers flush with victory over a killer black bear are now aiming for bigger game with bigger feet. Anonymous police officials say that the crack wildlife execution squad will take on Sasquatch.

Sasquatch, from an American Indian word meaning “Amish-smelling,” has been reported in the mountains near Claysburg. Once it was just thought to be yet another hillbilly inbreeding experiment gone awry; however, the latest reports suggest that Sasquatch is alive and on the move.

“We don’t take kindly to various drugged-out creatures comin’ into our town and stealin’ pick-a-nick baskets and leaving their big ugly paw prints around,” said town monster control officer and bebop saxophonist Roscoe John Coletrane. “That menace will be six big feet in the ground once me and the boys are done with him… or her… don’t mean to be sexist.”

Coletrane, who will lead the task force to eradicate Sasquatch, said that his team is stocking up on weapons and ammo. “We expended roughly six hundred rounds in the killing of the black bear,” Coletrane said. “It’ll probably take a good twelve hundred rounds to bag us a decent-sized Sasquatch.”

The team has hired Napolean Fitzer, author and small game guide, to lead the expedition. Fitzer said he has seen the beast on numerous occasions in the woods surrounding Claysburg and once at the Altoona Sam’s Club.

“He was gettin’ vittles from what I could see in his cart,” Fitzer said. “But you should have seen the size of that cart. It would have taken six men and a team of ox to push it!”

The mission will get underway once the team receives the okay from the Pennsylvania Fish and Game Commission. “We ain’t sure if it is Bigfeet season or monster anaconda season, to be honest,” Coletrane said. “And we’re also wary of trampling on the habitat of the gypsy moth sincein’ it’s a protected species by order of our governor.”

Coletrane expects the mission to eliminate monsters and assorted cuddly creatures to go on long after they bag a Bigfoot. “Whenever the citizenry is in danger of imaginarious creatures, buddy, we’ll be there,” Coletrane said. “You want the Loch Ness monster? My boys are prepared to drop in a few dozen half-sticks of dynamite. We’ll see if that can’t shake a plesiosaur to come up to the surface for a little dose of what for.”  

A group of citizens is opposed to the monster hunters. “Why do they gotta pick on Sasquatch,” said group spokeswoman Maria Looters. “When we got so many other problems, like illegal immigrants and people of various religious persuasions who need dispatchin’.”
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