DotPenn

PennDOT adds strip of inconvenience to Why-99. 

PennDOT will open the long-awaited I-99 highway by installing one-lane bottlenecks in the vital thoroughfare. The project, which is incredibly late and well-over budget even by PennDOT standards, will connect State College with the rest of the uncivilized world.

PennDOT spokesperson Kyle Letty said that the highway agency will suddenly restrict heavy, fast-moving two-lane traffic into a single lane to ensure long delays and exciting accidents. “We’re weren’t sure if we were going to open it all,” Letty said. “Fortunately a herd of white-tail deer trod a path that would complete the road, so I suppose we’ll use that.”

One reason PennDOT wants to create the bottleneck is to keep convenience to a minimum. Motorists will be able to slow down and enjoy the scenic views on Skytop for a half-hour to forty-five minutes and even longer during hazardous winter commutes.

“We also want to teach people who drive Pennsylvania roads how to merge,” Letty said. “In a recent survey, one out of two drivers won’t merge behind another vehicle and one out of two motorists refuse to let anyone merge in front of them. And we need to correct that with horrendous and often violent accidents.”

Even though PennDOT has promised to open I-99 in the past, Letty said this time the highway organization is serious. “But, if you notice, we said the bottleneck will open at year’s end,” Letty said. “We just didn’t specify the year.”

Sally Weaver-Auguston, who frequently commutes to State College as part of her job as an aide to absent-minded professors, said that she appreciates PennDOT’s sense of irony. “With gas prices at all-time highs and most people forced to either use bikes or reside in tent cities outside the University, PennDOT’s sense of timing is impeccable,” Weaver-Auguston said.

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