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Creative financing: PennRon gets lessons

Pennsylvania Governor Edward G-Money Rendell and state legislators are hoping some creative financing can make a pending billion-dollar budget deficit disappear and they’re looking toward the artists of creative budgetting for help.

According to state budget officials, former Enron, WorldComm and Countrywide Mortgages officials are looking over the state books, hoping to find new ways to pretend to balance the budget.

“It’s really not that hard,” said Charley Dirwin, a former accountant for Enron, said. “If Enron could have enforced our financing schemes by the arbitrary exaction of taxes, we’d be still in business.”

Dirwin said the state is also ahead in the creation of huge unproductive revenue holes. “The new budget will increase funds to welfare,” Dirwin said. “And like our fraudulent partnerships, the more money you put in, the less results you’ll receive. It’s perfect.”

According to Denny Burger, a finance expert for WorldComm, the group will also help the state use less accurate terminology in the description of its financing. “Tax? What’s that,” asked Burger. “What you want to call it is a ‘contribution.’ I mean, they are contributing. With a gun to their backs.”

Burger said to pull off a financial hoax, the perpetrators need two things: hope and forgetfulness. “Pennsylvania can certainly give taxpayers hope that the government will put the screws to some other poor schlob,” Burger said. “And, most likely, they’ll forget before elections, as long as the governor spreads out the fistful of bucks like he did last election.”
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