Penn State firing employees (with alternative transportation).
While some companies and organizations are helping their employees deal with the high price of gas and harmful environmental effects of commuting with innovative four-day work weeks and telecommuting options, Penn State is offering faculty, staff and students a new–and carbon-free–way to fly.
Starting in August, Penn State, in conjunction with Centre Area Transportation Authority (CATA), will introduce the CATA-pult, a medieval seige engine redesigned to hurl people dozens of miles to their offices, or at least on the wall outside their offices.
Benjamin Siegel, chairman of the CATA-pult committee, said the program should save employees hundreds of dollars in gas money. “We’ve heard lots of complaints about four dollar gasoline,” Siegel said. “I’m telling you what, once you hit twelve thousand feet and start your descent, four bucks is the last thing on your mind.”
Siegel dismisses rumors that the ride is dangerous. “It’s no more dangerous than driving on Route 322 after Social Security checks are deposited,” Siegel said. “Or traveling on Route 550 after a NASCAR race.”
Tish Lamberdino, of Bellwood, said she has used the CATA-pult system. “It’s really not that bad, you’re in shock for most of the trip,” she said. “And when you land, your skin is so cold that you barely notice the cuts and abrasions on impact. Take some Tylenol with you for later, though.”
While CATA-pult use is free, Penn State has added more parking fees.
“If you splatter in a Green lot, that will cost you sixty bucks a month,” said Paul Stanley, director of Penn State Parking, Draconian Fee Division measures. “It’s only forty bucks to splatter in the all-staff Orange lots, so happy landings.”
To save money, CATA-pult users may wish to crash into a commuter lot, pick up their limbs and limp or crawl across campus.
In other headlines…
They start young in the Burgh: Pittsburgh teen charged with shooting at bar.
Circus looking for carnie-recruits visits Carrolltown.
They start young in Johnstown. Teen charged with firing gun in playground dispute.
And from the “you think you’re having a crappy day” file…
Raw sewage spews on man sitting on toilet.
2 responses so far ↓
1 Zenquistical Emu // Jul 16, 2008 at 8:13 am
I’ve always been an advocate for reverting to draconian ways of existence. Perhaps, from the success of the CATA-pult, school cafeterias will begin to become more green by serving reBurgers to students. This would cut down on their meat buying costs, and remove incidents where citizens are catapulted from their toilets during town’s poop shoot cleanings. Humanoids currently don’t seem to understand that sacrifices are necessary for the betterment of Gaia’s health.
reBurger: http://tinyurl.com/reburger
2 Banksy // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:29 am
Zenquistical: Are these reBurgers available in Sam’s Club? I heard they can be purchased by the skid load.
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