State College Sewage Treatment and Day Spa
After a sewage line blew raw sewage into homes, State College borough council called in legal experts and health officials to study the problem and avoid any potential lawsuits. Their findings: residents can’t sue State College because the town’s sewage doesn’t stink. And never has.
This finding has also confirmed a commonly-held belief among residents that their own feces doesn’t stink.
Members of the Pennsylvania Health and Wellness Agency and officials from the state Department of Environmental Protection’s crack sewage analysis squad analyzed the residue.
“We didn’t even need our rubber gloves and contamination suits,” said Roger P. Glovers, captain of the sewage analysis squad. “In fact, it may have some curative properties. I had a wart disappear from my thumb after handling the sample.”
Fred L. Carmen, of the law firm Carmen, Carmen, Carmen-Chameleon, said no jury in the land would approve a settlement against State College. Carmen stood in one of the homes where raw sewage blew through a toilet after crews attempted to flush a nearby sewage line.
“I’m standing here and I don’t smell a thing,” Carmen said. “In fact, I get a whiff of roses and maybe just a hint of gardenias.”
The study paves the way for the proposed State College Sewage Treatment Facility/Water Park. A day spa with special mud masks has also been discussed, Carmen added.
Fans who attend games at Beaver Stadium have long suspected State College residents of being the source of the foul-smelling porta-potties. The findings suggest this reputation is undeserved.
“Initially, we’d have to say the cause of the odor would be from Philipsburg and Tyrone folks,” Glovers said. “And, of course, people from Penns Valley who can afford the buggy ride in.”
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2 responses so far ↓
1 Big Jimmie Beaver // Jul 25, 2008 at 10:16 am
Why is it that the people of State College have to be such pricks. I’ve never in my life been anywhere else where people think they have the right to treat people bad.
The best part of State College is they think their town is such a great place, but ask anyone who lives there who their neighbors are or if they associate with their neighbors.
I’m sure the topic of most State College residents about their neighbors is “Did you see what the crazy neighbor or ours was doing” or “Our neighbors dog crapped in the yard again” or maybe “Damn Joe (neighbor) mowed over on my side of the property again”
Here’s life elsewhere (AKA Over the Mountain): Hey Joe (neighbor) where having a picnic and some beers want to come over?
You all can have the O’ Great and Mighty State College I’ll stick to being an “Omer” (Over the Mountainer)
2 berks88 // Jul 25, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Au Contraire DotPenn
State college’s shit does stink. It stinks with its hypocritical liberalism. A liberalism that taxes the rich (at least anyone richer than them). And requires tolerance for everyone (that they’re tolerant of) and sacrifice from everyone (but themselves).
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