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18-year-old drinking age could threaten junior high beer pong games

Parents in the hard drinkin’, easy lovin’ community of Johnstown say they’ll resist any efforts to raise the drinking age of their children to 18. Most communities in the Johnstown area already allow children as young as 12 to get served alcohol in local establishments and brothels.

A group of college administrators are asking governments to lower the drinking age to 18 in order to decrease binge drinking and to drive up beer concession sales.

“Eighteen! Hell, my boy’s been fetchin’ my beer at the distributor since he graduated the sixth grade,” said Johnstown resident R. Delbert Finster. “And that’s all the education he needs, I might add… them and their fancy participial phrases and what-not.”

Finster said his son, Reginald, received his first taste of communion wine when he turned 6 years old and attended his first bachelor party–in his honor–at age 11. He has shown no problems with alcohol despite his exposure to hard liquor at a young age.

“No. He’s on meth so bad now he don’t got no time or money for alcohol,” Finster said. “He’s learning about budgetting and prioritizing and it’s a hard, hard lesson.”

Raising the drinking age could threaten Johnstown traditions, like trick or treating for malt liquor and exchanging shots on Valentine’s Day. The notion of a higher drinking age also offends the leader for the Moxham area Moms Against Breathing Sober (MABS), Jacylyn Bouvier Kaminsky.

“Studies show that raising the drinking age promotes dangerous binge soberity that, indeed, prompt moments of lucidity and needless doubt concerning our cherished Johnstownian lifeways,” Kaminsky said. “We believe you should start getting tanked at about age 6 and not look back.”
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