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Science reveals defective Brittany gene. Now working on superfluous thumbs.

Scientists from Penn State’s College of Medicine say they have isolated a gene that caused a rash of lower-middle class whites to call their daughters, Brittany, in central Pennsylvania during the 1980s. Records indicate that several women even named their sons Brittany, leading to widespread middle school and junior high school ass-whoopings during the mid-1990s.

“We thought it may have been bad whiskey and too much daytime television, or a combination thereof,” said Dr. Karl Karlson, inbredologist for the College of Medicine. “Turns out that some couples are genetically predetermined to name their children, Brittany, a move that destined their daughters to careers in the fast food and soft porn industries.”

The scientists indicate that the overwhelming urge to add the Brittany moniker caused a rash of poorly-spelled names on birth certificates, as well.

“In most cases, the mothers were not even able to pronounce Brittany, let alone spell it,” Karlson said. “Consequently, many young women today have an array of misspelled names like Britny, Brittny, and Britanee.”

Charleen Applemeyer is one of the mothers who took part in the study. Her daughter Brrittne was born in 1988 and currently works as a Hooters hostess.

“I had no idea I was understricken with this condition that caused the complexified spelling of Brrittne’s name,” Applemeyer said. ”The second ‘r’ is silent, as is the ‘t’.”
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