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 Gaia Orders Hurricane Gustav to interrupt GOP convention.

Gaia, a jealous and wrathful deity, has sent Hurricane Gustav to dampen the spirits of Republicans gathered at their convention, a group of fundamentalist secular humanists said in a news release.

“Your sins of extravagance and ignorance have angered the one true non-God,” said Jerry Fellwell, pastor at the Tabernacle of the Indifferent Shepherd in Lynchburg, Tenn. “And now she or he has unleashed a relatively well-known meteorological event to strike on a random date. Repent now for the end is nigh!”

According to Fellwell, Gaia is also referred to as Mother Nature, Mother Earth, Mother… shut yo mouth. The god is venerated by America’s atheists, agnostics, and other non-believing believers.

Fellwell said that Gaia is upset with the United States and the Republican party, specifically, because of their reckless disregard for Nature and the veneration of competing gods, such as Jehovah and Elvis.

“Gaia is a jealous god,” said Fellwell. “Who is indeed angered by your graven images that populate your commercialized culture; particularly graven images on black velvet.”

Fig Dalton, congregation member, said Republicans must change their ways to head off destruction.

“Gaia must be given offerings of carbon offsets and an increase in governmental domestic spending,” Dalton, who works as a special educational mime, said. “And also some additional funds must be outlayed for art education.”

DotPenn News Alert!

State Police report that coaches for Bellwood-Antis soccer teams have been placed under protective custody after their football team was drubbed by Tyrone team for a sixth straight time. Police said that coaches received anonymous letters asking them to end their association with “sissy ball” leagues and to stop draining talent away from “America’s God-given sport of football.” The letters did threaten to deprive the coaches of their genitals, although police said the threat was a unsubstantiated since most soccer coaches lack substantial genital size.

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