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Sheetz Made-to-Order Shmostage program adds con to convenience. The Sheetz convenience store is implementing an ancient solution to solve a modern problem. To prevent more drive-aways, the Sheetz convenience chain is asking customers to deposit their first male child at the counter before they pump gas. Drive-aways is a term used by retailers to describe people who pump gas, scream "Yee Haw!" and drive away from the store without paying for the gas, usually spending the money they saved for not purchasing gas on meth and beer instead. "Actually the Romans and Barbarian tribes used to trade male children that they referred to as, 'hostages,'" said Kent Dollop, regional director for Sheetz Made to Order Hostage program. "It's a sign of good faith between the tribes and an indication of immediate retribution if that faith is broken." Dollop said the children--also called Shmostages--should be dropped off at Sheetz prior to pumping. The customer will get a code they can use to operate the pump. After the customer is done, he or she can pick up her child, or allow him to be raised within the Sheetz culture in exchange for future gas purchases. "It's just that convenient," said Dollop. "For two male children, customers can have a free slushie or frappachino." Sylvia Plath, a State College resident and corporate poetry trainer, said she feels the program is short-sighted and biased. "I ask you, why only male children?" Plath asked as she gassed up her Lexus. "Isn't it just another sign of how our society over-values male contributions?" Ben Diablo, of Boalsburg, said he wasn't upset with the program especially since his son's lack of athleticism has raised questions about raising his own son. "He struck out twice during a playoff game and I really started to have concerns that he just wasn't quite the right fit on our team... I mean... family," Diablo said, as he topped off the bus he uses to travel to Little League tournaments. "It's just something you have to deal with in this silly age of free agency. Sheetz has a better training program and made us a pretty good offer." In other headlines... Duke boys in the trouble with the law again. Spanier says sweatshops no good, prefers student interns. Police find World War II-era gun after pulling over Sherman tank for illegal turn.
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