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Media tell Americans: Well, you have to go broke someway.

Citing its mission to inform the public and to secure better ratings and higher single-copy sales, America’s media is doing its part to reassure Americans that the demise of the economy is certain.

After an unprecedented sell-off on Wall Street that has happened numerous times before, the leaders of America’s media establishment helped Americans with jarring headlines and spooky, omniscient pronouncements that the financial end is near.

Gerald DePepperdeu, assistant financial demise editor for the New York Times, said the mission of the media is to deepen a crisis by increasing editorialization and finding new adjectives to describe the coming apocalypse.

“The only thing we sell is fear itself,” said DePepperdeau. “That’s money in the bank, but don’t put your money there because all the banks are going to fail.”

ABC news commentator Pinky Lowenstein said that the collapse of the economic system couldn’t come at a better time.

“Well, hurricanes Gustav and Ike were such snoozers that we really needed an economic stimulus for the news room,” Lowenstein said. “Gustav. What the hell kind of a name for a hurricane is that? Try writing a teaser about Gustav.”

Lowenstein is quick to point out the media will ensure that Americans have plenty of groups to blame.

“Certainly no one is to blame,” Lowenstein said. “But other people, those bastards are to blame.”

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