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Snyder residents fear particle accelerator, string theory and daily showers. 

Snyder Township breathed a huge, cigarette smoke-laced sigh of relief when scientists from the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) announced that the device malfunctioned and would require extensive repairs.

Residents feared that the particle accelerator would generate exotic forces that could reverse its status as one of the state’s premier cultural black holes. The LHC blew a transformer recently when a research intern failed to use a power strip for his portable coffee maker.

“Damn. That was a close call,” said Albert Wallbanger, president of Snyder Township’s social incongruities committee. “We don’t feel like these Europeans got any right playing God, in that they’s all agnostic cheese eaters and such.”

According to Wallbanger’s research, exotic forces created by the LHC could have reversed the township’s ability to maintain its cultural void, leading to the cancellation of some of its wildly unpopular events.

Wallbanger, who organizes the township’s annual Greek Salad Eating Contest and the Autumn Weed Pulling Festival, said residents fear of outliers and general social backwardness makes a reversal in the cultural polarities a potentially devastating event.

“If we wanted to interact with people we wouldn’t build walls of junk on our lawns,” Wallbanger said. “To you on the outside this is lawn litter, to us it’s a sign that says: you and your general amiability are unwelcome in these parts.”

Mae Belle Carson, chairwoman of this year’s Apple Butter Bathing Days, said her group of indigenous dancers have clogged non-stop since the LHC. The performance, called Clogging the Apocalypse-o, was last used when the microwave oven was first marketed.

“People ain’t got no right meddlin’ in the ways and ways not of Einsteinian and post-Einsteinian physics,” said Carson. “We, here, only follow Newtonian physics for large-massed and large-assed objects. Stick that in your craw, Hawking.” 

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