DotPenn

Economic disaster could create country full of Tyrones, without the glam.

Tattered clothes.

Vacant storefronts.

Shuttered factories.

While the residents of Tyrone are used to Depression-era living, most Americans are afraid that their communities may slip into the perpetual economic status of the central Pennsylvanian town.

Dennis Kohlpetzer, who is often seen wearing a barrel on the streets of Tyrone’s barren downtown, said he last worked as a bellboy at the town’s Patio Theater. Since then, he’s struggled to find work. He’s also struggled to utter a coherent sentence.

“It weren’t so bad, but then the bars started closin’ down and moving out of town,” said Kohlpetzer. “They started outsourcing a lot of my panhandlin’ for drinks to Snyder Township bums. Foreigners.”

He recommends that Americans shouldn’t fear the oncoming depression.

“The hours are good,” Kohlpetzer added.

In some sections of the town, where Section 8 housing has been set up, the unemployment rate has hovered around 108 percent, with some able-bodied residents refusing to work at two or more jobs. Residents in these Fred Waring-villes, as they’ve been called, are hopeful that they can now blend in with the rest of the country’s growing jobless.

Maria Dehume, who last worked at opening a beer bottle with her teeth two weekends ago, said that people shouldn’t fear the economic depression.

“I mean, there’s plenty of room in my building,” Dehume said. “With the overdoses and what not. And there’s always prison. The television’s just as good.”

Dehume added that there’s a fine line between workless and shiftless.

“Workless is a temporary state,” Dehume said. “Shiftless is a welfare state. The workless just don’t have the stick-to-it-iveness.”

Dehume said that Americans should prepare for economic hard times by creating a stockpile of necessities.

“You want to make sure you have three things: canned beer, snack foods with plenty of preservatives and a large-screen TV, preferably plasma,” said Dehume. “And look out for one another.”

Dehume said being short on cash can affect addictions. Dehume and other residents are preparing for the depression by setting up “Brother Can You Spare a Dime Bag,” a communal dope kitchen where junkies can have access to heroin, meth, and Oxycontin.

 Email This Post

In other headlines…

PennDOT says I-99 opening is weeks away… which they first said in 2002.

1000 charges of rape and arson. 15-30 years is a long jail term?

Handmade Amish goods takes on new meaning after decision.