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CNBC will only show market gyrations from the waist up American economists say that economic mood swings indicate the country is facing a possible Great Manic Depression. The stock market has been up, down, down severely, up severely, down, up, and down and down again over the past 14 trading sessions. Market bottoms have been pronounced eight times, about the same amount of times that market experts pronounced that there was no bottom in sight. Glendale Snardley, an economist from the Greater Altoona Business School, said that market shows no signs of stabilizing. Charts are starting to resemble the thought pattern of numerous rock stars. "Right now, I'd say the market appears to be Brian Wilson mode," said Snardley. "It's not sure if it would like to write a love song about fast cars or drink itself to death in a tent pitched in the living room of a mansion." Likewise, Americans appear to be scrambling to find safe places for their money, most of which is locked up in a plasma television the size of an interstate billboard. They're also trying to find out who to blame. "I'm blaming Congress," said Edward Hotrotsky, who suffers from bi-polar financial syndrome. "Mainly because I really don't hang out with anyone from Congress and I won't be embarrassed if I say something mean about the legislative body. I don't want to say anything that might be considered offensive." Fat cats are also being targeted for the economic woes, Hotrotsky added. "Again, I'm not much of a cat person," said Hotrotsky. "I feel like writing a poem about it." Hotrotsky is hoping the market settles down so he could buy a four-wheeled DVD player with a chocolate fondue dispenser. He also wants to find a corner to cry in. In other headlines... Joepa tells reporters, I may put coach on DL... wait a minute... that's me. Real World holds casting call in State College. May change show's name to Real Lame World. Pizza man: most dangerous job in Johnstown.
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