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Hines Ward led off the field for making "football-like" gestures. Citing their desire to keep the National Football League free from violence and intimidation, Hines Ward and several other Pittsburgh Steelers will be fined for threatening to "hit the showers." Elvin Deltoid, NFL officiating representative, said the vocabulary of violence leads to violent behavior. "We can't have this angry language leading to on-the-field aggression," said Deltoid. "There's a good chance that a player who says he's 'hitting the showers' might make a block or take part in a gang tackle on Sunday." "Where does this 'hitting' end?" Deltoid continued. "Will the Steelers, 'hit the bathroom,' 'hit the town,' 'hit the wall?' We have to draw a line somewhere." NFL officials have adopted a "European" model of penalties and fines this year after last season was marred with several incidents where players fell down and skinned their knees and reports of taunting became widespread. Mssr. Lamar DeContaine, a Belgian advisor for the NFL, explained that if the football league ever intends to be global they must adopt non-American sporting philosophies. "Why so many sad face on sad player sitting on the bench, never to play," said DeContaine. "I weep for these gentlemen and ask where is your egalitarianism, Oh football fan?" DeContaine adds that hubris is choking the sport. "So much of the, you know, I am the big man, look at me dance in your cherished field of play, bitch," said DeContaine. "Why the Super Bowl? Why not, the Bowl of Friendly Co-existence and Cooperation." "I weep now," he concluded. In other headlines... State College shrink allegedly treats people with carbon dioxide. Al Gore to make movie. More stories from central Pennsylvania's men in blue... Accused murderer wears father's handcuffs.
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