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Murtha tries contrition to quiet opposition. Facing a tightening race and an inability to form an apology without insults and curse words, Representative John Murtha (D-Outta Touch) said he is firing his speech writer and adding an official apology maker to his staff. Lenny DeChamplaine Bruce, who handled Murtha's speeches and aplogies for the congressman's entire term, was let go on Friday, right after calling the voters of the 12th Congressional District, "a bunch of social retards." Bruce said the statement was taken out of context. "I just wanted to call them a bunch of inbred retards," said Bruce. "But I think I mis-typed the thing. I feel terrible for all the social retards out there, of course." Over the past 10 days, Murtha has called his constituents: racist, rednecks, smelly, dum-dums, stupidheads, Confederate spies, lackies, Know-Nothings, creepy, intolerant, and "kinda gay-looking." Murtha has also leveled insults at western Pennsylvanian citizens, the Marines, Catholics, chicken farmers, Bruce Willis fans, and straight-leg jeans wearers. He accidentally called his competitor names, too. Georgianna Carlin, who Murtha hired to write the ever-increasing list of apologies, said she has already gone to work on saying "sorry" to the voters. "The apologies are, of course, difficult," said Carlin. "The people of western Pennsylvania are semi-literate, so they can't read the apologies and, of course, they are usually boozing it up in some dive, so there's a chance they're watching Maury Povich instead of watching the news." "Or they're passed out," Carlin continued. "It's really a matter of dissemination. Wow. That's a big word for Johnstown." In other headlines... Lacking personal relationship with savior, State College must elect one. Ga-Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons? Payback: Clinton stumps for Murtha.
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