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Crows dive bomb new Paterno "Scare-Joe" Since Penn State won't be getting rid of head football coach Joe Paterno any time soon, university officials are putting his likeness to good use. Cardboard Joe Paterno cutouts will be placed around the campus in attempt to scare off flocks of crows that nest on campus, as well as potential football recruits. Brendon Blucker, aviary specialist in the University's school of Old Crow and Old Coach Sciences, said the images of Paterno should be enough to frighten away most ravens and crows to areas where their feces will be more appreciated, such as Clearfield or Philipsburg. "In Clearfield, they're just moving their economy away from horse and cow dung," said Blucker. "With a higher nitrogen content, crow feces could be used to power their farms and plants, mainly meth plants." Blucker also believes cardboard cutouts with Joepa in his cane should frighten away most new recruits to Ohio State and other universities. "We had a possible quarterback recruit come in here and he took one look at that cutout," said Blucker. "And, zap, he ended up in Florida State. That's how effective it is." Several naturalists do not see eye to beak with the plan. Jen Quayle, of the Autobomb Society, said crows should live wherever they want. "As long as the birds are congregating peacefully, that's their right as sentient beings," said Quayle. "I'm just surprised officials don't send out their thug police force to mace the birds." In other headlines... Preacher reportedly threatens a smiting. Prisoners escape from bus. May take taxi next time. Raystown Lake monster crap turns out to be algae.
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