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The rest of the country is letting the country down.

A new poll indicates that Americans want the rest of the country to change to better suit their needs.

According to a Dollopa/Pewp Research Center poll, Americans overwhelmingly want the rest of the country to change economically, politically and spiritually. A total of 89 percent of those polled said that other people are the cause of most of the problems in the country. The remaining 11 percent was split between blaming immigrants and Jews for causing all the problems.

“Americans are saying they want you to change,” Dr. Jermaine Jackson Levison, who led the poll, said. “Quite frankly, you’re just mucking things up.”

The poll indicated that the rest of the country is responsible for a range of the country’s ills including, the health care crisis, the budget deficit, terrorism, the credit crunch, obesity, and increased ugliness. In order to correct these problems, the poll indicates that most Americans want other people to embrace change immediately.

Levison said this trend is affecting the current presidential campaign. “Americans will champion candidates who run as ‘I’m ok, but other people must change’ agents,” he said.

Mark Gleason, a part-time competitive eater, agrees with the polls findings. “I see people everyday who need to make changes in their lives to better suit my lifestyle,” he said. “I think it’s just a matter of the rest of the country coming to terms of how much they let me down on a daily basis.”

Gleason is hopeful that the poll will make other people realize that change is needed now. “This is a wake-up call,” he said. “Life is short. You need to change. All of you.”

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