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Plan would raise funds for state's own bottom-feeders. With the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania finding it increasingly hard to pay for both life guards at its state parks and rampant corruption in the state house, legislators have arrived at a Solomonic solution: fine drowning victims and use the revenue to fund payoffs and kickbacks. Under the terms of the Buoyancy-Ordained Aberration Tax and Operations-Added Revenue, or BOAT OAR, the families of drowning and boating accident victims will pay a $4,000 fine. Families can also pay a $1,000 recovery fee for the body, or let the carcass eventually wash up on shore. The legislation calls for an increase in open swim periods, times when lifeguards are not on duty, which will be re-named open drowning sessions. "It's time we tell the swimmers of Pennsylvania that we won't stand for their selfish drowning," Pennsylvania house aide Sanderson Shill said. "It's incumbent upon the commonwealth to make sure that the children of Pennsylvania have a place to drown in the future." Shill said he expects some of the funds to be passed under the table to pay for his help on legislative campaigns. "This, again, is for the children," Shill said. "Specifically, my children, who need Lasik and orthodontia. It's incumbent upon the commonwealth to provide my children with 20/20 vision and straight teeth." Benny Fogelfiegel, a frequent visitor at Raystown State Park, said he agrees with the initiative and hopes it cuts down on second-hand drowning. "I hope this makes a lot of those goody-goodies think twice before they go breast-stroking out to save a drowning victim," Fogelfiegel said. "Not only are they jeopardizing the free flow of graft and corruption in this commonwealth, but they could be dragged down, too, and end up a victim of second-hand drowning." The government plans to add signs at state park snack shops that say, "Remember to swim immediately after eating" and "Drink before you sink" to encourage drowners to participate in the plan.
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