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Flush with Cash The legislature has finally found a way to fund an estimated 1 billion dollar upgrade to the state's sewage treatment plants. The Rendell administration has succeeded in pushing through legislation that will require all Pennsylvanian's to retrofit their toilets with metering devices by 2010. The meters will be used to assess PA residents .05 cents each time they flush their toilet. In a press conference today, Rendell spokesman, Frank Terwilliger stated, "Recent estimates show that on average a healthy person has 1 to 2 bowel movements per day. Multiply that by the number of Pennsylvanians, (12.5 million) and that's $1,250,000 per day or $456,250,000 per year. That's a considerable amount of money. ...and that's just bowel movements! " Local water companies will be required to track and collect all metering proceeds for the state. While local municipalities are relieved that they'll no longer have to foot the bill for the mandated upgrades. They're worried how their constituents will pay for the increase. "What about our Senior citizens? said Councilman Clyde James. "Most are on fixed incomes and a goodly number of them are incontinent. Heck, my grandfather probably goes to the bathroom at least 15 times a day. Who's going to pay for that?" On average though, water bills are expected to rise 55% statewide. Many in the Toilet Manufacturing industry were also upset. Tony Guy, spokesman for the American Standard Toilet and Yernel Cake Company complained bitterly about the new Bill. "Our warehouses are stocked with thousands of AutoFlushers. Sales up to this point have been very brisk, but this legislation will make it difficult if not impossible to move them in PA." Not all Pennsylvanians were unhappy about the news. Amish carpenter Jacob Stoltzfus expects his business to increase. "Just today I had 5 people stop by my shop to get estimates on Outhouses." Experts expect other industries to benefit as well. Meryll Lynch Analyst Trey Dupont said, "As people look for creative ways to avoid higher water bills, sales of miniature manure spreaders, bed pans and adult diapers are expected to increase." On the heels of today's announcement, shares of leading diaper manufacturer Kimberly Clarke, maker of Depends Diapers, rose 3% in afternoon trading. With increased prices at the gas pump and the toilet tank, Consumer Groups say something's got to give. "Most people are really going to have to adjust their behavior to cope with these increases." said Roland Armour of the Consumer Advocates League. "We think you're going to see a lot more folks urinating outdoors or at least refraining from flushing everytime they pee. In a nutshell, it really gives people a financial incentive to shit or get off the pot."
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