DotPenn

Enviro-nerds put audience in a rhetorical sleeper hold.

When World Wrestling Entertainment’s SmackDown! hits the Bryce Jordan Center, it’ll be packing more than burly wrestlers and bodacious ring babes; two activists from both sides of the industrial windmill argument will rain blows of boredom down on their opponents and audience members.

Billed as “The Happy Valley StatDown,” pro- and anti-wind activists will be pitted against each other in the steel-ring debating cage.

“By the end of the night, if you ain’t dead, you’ll wanna be,” said professional pro-wind advocate, Jerry W. Eberhard, who goes by the moniker, The Blowharder. “Ain’t no one… no one… leaving that auditorium who hasn’t been thoroughly educated on the propeller-to-gear ratio of the industrial windmill and the approximate power generation in megawatts.”

“In megawatts baby!” Eberhard exclaims. “In megawatts! Woooo!!!”

Opposing the Blowharder will be A.W. Hopperfinch, also called The Droner.

“I got so many rhetorical moves, it’ll bust you up, man, bust you up!” said Hopperfinch. “I can say the same thing in about fifty-five-hundred different ways. You know that is the truth. And trust and believe it will all be on display in tandem with my linguistic finery when I come to your town in the Friday Night StatDown!”

“And remember, the A.W. stands for Anti Wind,” Hopperfinch said. “Which means: against wind, or opposing wind, or wind is bad, or wind power is not good for the environment, or windmills are not good. You catch my proverbial drift, sucka.”

The StatDown has delivered knock out punches to insomnia in several cities, including “The Shrill-ah in Manila” and “The Mumble in the Jungle.”