DotPenn

Latest cash infusion from Uncle Sam likened to Booze Stamps

Thousands of the area Welfare recipients, most of whom think taxes is the home state of the Dallas Cowboys, will possibly receive a bonus check from the U.S. government’s plan to stimulate the economy. The economic rescue package includes money for non-tax paying Americans.

“Stimulate, you’re flippin’ A right,” said Jubal Livingston Barnhardt, long-time welfare and SSI recipient. “Ironically, I plan to use it for stimulants, such as beaners and nicotine, and then mellow my buzz with a few cases of Budweiser.” Barnhardt has a three-cans-a- day snuff addiction mixed in with a reliance on a smorgasbord of prescription drugs and home lab-concocted amphetamines.

Barnhardt said the aid package comes at a good time. “I was thinking about going back to work,” Barnhardt said. “This has saved me from making such a potentially disastrous decision.”

When Barnhardt was told that Ed “Veep” Rendell (D-Nutrisystem) plans a similar stimulus program, Barnhardt clutched his heart and complained of chest pains. “Oh, Lord, don’t take me now,” Barnhardt said. “I’m about to get liquored up beyond all stretches of the imagination.”

Barnhardt has been off work and collecting disability checks since the mid-90s. A severe “occupational allergy” forced him out of the workforce. “When I went to work in the summer, I would break out in perspiration and often felt fatigued at the end of the day,” he said. “Plus I’m not much of a morning person. It just didn’t seem to mesh with my lifestyle as a late-night drinker and carouser.”

Barnhardt is uncertain if he’s ever paid income taxes to the government in the last decade, although he said if he was refunded for sales tax and sin tax on smokes and snuff, he’d “pretty near be a millionaire.”

Even though Barnhardt has three sons to three different women, he doesn’t expect any of his money to help them. “These kids nowadays don’t feel the need to get out from under the mama’s apron strings and go to the welfare office and sign up for their own damn checks.” He hopes his “tough love” will force them to go out and not get a job like every one else in the trailer court.

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