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Scheduling Conflict! The long, greasy fingers of education grasp at the children of the Grange. Deep fried State College School District Administrators effigies have been added to the list of fair food delicacies offered at this year's Centre County Grange Encampment And Fair. Administrators have decided the students of the school district will begin class on Sept. 3, 2009, before the Fair is over and just in time to miss the horseshoe competition. The move comes as a slap in the face to Grange volunteers and participants, who already hate organized education. The Fair has been a tradition since the late 1800s when it was used as a gathering place for the county's farm families, who met once a year to drink, carouse for loose Methodist women, and auction off slaves. Mark Vanderbean, who is a Grange Fair volunteer and award-winning fan dancer, said the school district moves are designed to impart their godless dietary rules on the State College youth. "They is just takin' our children away from the glorious tradition of heavily-carbohydrated, sugared and buttered foodstuffs for their government-subsidized portions," said Vanderbean. "It's all economics and god-denyin' academics." Bronson Pincher, who is a deep-fried bacon-wrapped chocolate pickle vendor, will head up the effigy burning ceremony. "Don't know nothin' about F and G's, as I am no good at letter writin'" said Pincher, who wears a "Less Book Lernin' and More Book Burnin' t-shirt of his own design. "But we intend to make reasonable and semi-artistic renderin's of the school district's administration and school board in dummy form and commence to throw them on a firin' heap of fire." Margaret Hose, who has attended the fair for 30 years and 65 pounds, said she isn't worried. She home schools her children. "It's yet another reason to home school," said Hose. "In fact, invariably, one of my childrens will eat so much he or she will vomit, or as we like to say 'reverse ingestion'. That's a health lesson right there."
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