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Nouveau Poore prepare to be gaunt, sobering reminders of the past. With depressed incomes and decreasing property values, formerly wealthy snobs are struggling to adjust to their nouveau poore status. Fortunately, area resources exist to ease this transition. Felix Wellstone, who was once a bank president before losing his money and position in a paranoid haze of alcohol, prostitutes, strippers, semi-automatic firearms, and minor-league baseball games, is just one source of advise for the newly-impoverished. He has created as consultancy for just this situation, called the First Pennsylvania Buckhorn Truck Mounted Militia. Wellstone suggests taking a defensive stance immediately. "Ammo and Camo," said Wellstone. "Get invisible and get deadly." Here are some other tips: Tip One: Avoid the rush, shop Walmart in the morning. Stanley R. Booder, a second-generation Welfare recipient and illegal pharmaceutical entrepreneur, also offers his government-derived two cents. "If you want to avoid me and my six or ten odd children, step-children and half-children, you want to get in Walmart in the early morning hours, like say, ten in the morning," said Booder. "By 2 p.m., once we roll outta bed, that's time we like to shop and scare the employed with our rude, Ritalin-fueled antics." Tip two: Pickup trucks are easily modified into minivans. "All you gotta do is stick a bench and a cooler in the pickup bed and you got your minivan," Booder said. "There you go soccer mom. Won't you be proud?" Tip three: Consider NASCAR paraphernalia as gifts. While expensive electronics and designer clothes were once the ideal gift suggestions, new budgets may need to be stretch to include things like food and heat. But, don't worry, Booder said, there's always race wear and novelty items. "The kids love their NASCAR bottle openers in their Christmas stockings and bright racing shirts under the tree," claimed Booder. "I don't want to alienate my Jewish friends either, they look pretty good under a menorah." Booder said NASCAR apparel work for all occasions. He gave his cousin and cousin-in-law matching orange and yellow Dale, Jr. shirts as a wedding gift. Tip four: Avoid ambition Alvin Johnson, former inmate at the Rockview Corrections Facility and frequent burglar of area tobacco shops, believes that once the new poor arrive at that income level they should shed the oppressive chains of ambition and thrift. "I once had dreams and ambitions of pulling a bank heist," Johnson said. "But the planning and purchasing of masks was daunting. You have to find your niche and stay there." Tip five: Wine cellars can be adapted to store 40-ouncers. Johnson also suggests using old upper-middle class trappings to foster new habits. "For instance, I once robbed a house that had a wine cellar," said Johnson. "And I thought to myself if you just smashed out a couple of them rows you could stick your 40's right in there. Keep 'em cold and aged just right."
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