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David Blaine may be only human to live through EPA regulations.
Now everyone will have to wait to exhale, according to EPA Administrator Lisa Tito Jackson. The EPA's recent ruling that carbon dioxide endangered human health put the agency in direct conflict with power plants, factories, and human breathing. The creation of carbon dioxide is part of the breathing process. The body pulls in oxygen and breathes out CO2. (The two stands for "twice as bad as CO, which is a harmless gas used for killing people.) Jackson said breathing is extremely dangerous for humans. "There is now absolutely no doubt that carbon dioxide is harmful," said Jackson. "For example, it's intrinsic to plant growth. And some of those plants are poisonous. So. There's that." Jackson said that breathing, specifically exhaling, will be outlawed. Although people can purchase exhaling credits from the Al Gore Carbon Offset and Poetry Slam Institute. "Sometimes we have to destroy life, in order to save it," Jackson said. "And sometimes we have to destroy industries, in order to create ones that you have a more significant financial position in." Businesses and several green, leafy vegetables are railing against the new ruling, which will set up steep regulations. Nunzio, a talking head of lettuce, admits he doesn't like to see the continued subjection of animal life on vegetable life, but believes this goes too far. "I quite like humans breathing on me," said Nunzio. "Well. Most." The EPA said that inhaling has not been labeled an illegal offense. "But don't hold your breath," said Jackson.
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