Tyrone Students Sickened When Non-Hoagie Foodstuffs Reintroduced Into Diet

Forget veggies, East End Hoagies will keep you fit.

It's just how they roll... Weening students of hoagies takes a turn for the deadly.

Tyrone area school authorities said an initiative to improve the diets of students went horribly awry when non-hoagie foodstuffs, like fresh fruits and vegetables, were added to the cafeteria menu.

Hundreds of students were stricken with severe cramping, vomiting, nausea and obscene cursing.The order to improve the diet was quickly rescinded and sub sandwiches, pizza and hot dogs were quickly re-stocked.

Rescue workers, who came from as far away as Harrisburg and Pittsburgh, initially thought the school had suffered a mass poisoning.

"It looked like a mini Jonestown," said Donald Kurtenmyer, an emergency medical tech for the Allegheny County EMS said and then shouted to his team, "Bring the stretcher over for this one and bring a medium hoagie... no, make that a hot hoagie, extra onion... we're losing him... Hang in there, Billy."

Kurtenmyer was working on Billy Thimpson, a Tyrone tenth grader, who was suffering violent vomiting spells.

"Hedge... It tastes like a hedge," said Thimpson, a Tyrone tenth grader, who spent several hours at the can purging himself of a tossed salad before passing out. "Like I ate a hedge."

Thimpson said he has subsisted on medium hoagies, pizza, Middleswarth potato chips and cream soda for as long as he can remember.

"Well, when I was younger, I nursed him on chocolate milk," said Billy's mother, Scarlett. "But since then it's been cream soda and the occasional caffeinated beverage. Or beer, but only on the weekends and before football games."

Scarlett said the family does try to eat healthier by adding hot peppers to Tyrone's traditional sub sandwich.

"Mama. I can see the light," said Thimpson, in the late stage of delirium. "It's shining off the onions of a medium hoagie. It looks glorious. So glorious."

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