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Ban means shot at coolness goes up in smoke for nerds, geeks, and social rejects. Clyde Ferndexter sits alone in a State College bar as other better-dressed, better-looking and better-named Penn State students gyrate to music and the internal rhythms of profound intoxication and other forms of over-indulgences. Normally, Ferndexter would light up a Marlboro and be instantly welcomed into the in-crowd, but not anymore. Ferndexter is another victim of Pennsylvania's smoking ban. The Clean Indoor Air and Non-Hip Identification Act prohibits smoking in most public places, including the boy's room. "It's almost impossible to fake coolness now without the cigarette as a prop," said Ferndexter. "I tried a toothpick, but was laughed at and someone swatted it out of my mouth. I was ashamed." According to the Surgeon General, smoking has been known to cause second-hand coolness. The condition gives an air of rebelliousness and savvy to non-rebelling teens and college-age kids. Professor Arnold Mumutz, of Penn State's Tobacco and Grease Institute, said the rejection of the non-cool may have serious implications on health issues in America, including the country's birth rate. "I mean, you take a guy like Ferndexter, here, without cigarettes and a good deal of alcohol on his would-be female partners part, he has only the slimmest chance of reproducing," Mumutz said. "Very slim indeed." Melanie Glock, a cool girl, said the banning has helped her more efficiently identify and dispatch non-cool guys from her circle. "I, at one point, wanted to date Ferny," Glock said. "Then I gotta look at him outside of his non-menthols. Not so much, now."
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