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Lincoln's holiday czars stick it to Americans seeking three-day weekend. During the Civil War, as the death count piled higher and higher and the country lay in ruins, not to mention that even the ruins lay in ruins, President Abraham Lincoln decided it was time to celebrate. And offer thanks to God, or whatever form of higher power the people chose to believe in--as long as it was God. The day of Thanksgiving would, inexplicably, be held on a Thursday. The move to have the holiday on a Thursday has troubled historians and binge drinkers alike. But, here, for the first time, is the exact transcript from the National Archives of the cabinet meeting when Lincoln and his team of rivals decided to throw a party on Thursday. Abraham Lincoln: Hey everyone. Check it. New hat. William H. Seward, Secretary of State: Nice. I was going to ask if that was new. Salmon P. Chase, Secretary of Treasury: (whistles) How much did that set you back? But you got bird poop on the top already, Lincoln. Lincoln: Dang! Anyway. I was thinking. With all the death and destruction of the Civil War and freeing the slaves bit... yada yada yada... I think we need to get the people's minds off all these troubles and get them to count their blessings. I mean, have you seen my poll numbers? It's like I backed the government health care option or something. Sorry for being the Great Emancipator, people. Chase: Not a bad idea. Maybe tie it in to some random American history event. Sorta an educational lesson. You know, if we added pilgrims and Indians into the mix, it would make some wonderful arts and crafts projects. Hey. Put your hands up like this. Doesn't that look like a turkey? Edwin M. Stanton, Secretary of War: I'm booked solid in October. But November is wide open. Lincoln: Check your calendars everyone: I got nothing the last Thursday in November, though. Stanton: Thursday? That's a horrible day. How 'bout Monday or Friday. The people really like a three-day weekend. Lets them get their drink on and recover from their hangover. Andrew Johnson, Vice President: Even a Wednesday. We could call it, Hump Day, or something. Maybe talk a little about Gettysburg. We really pulled that one out in the last minute. Lincoln: Can't do it. Friday is date night. And I usually write addresses to small Pennsylvania towns on Monday. Chase: And won't people just be smart enough to blow off Friday and turn it into a four-day? C'mon people. Think outside the box. Lincoln: That's the way I'd play it, too, Sammy. Plus, we could have some football games on Thursday. Stanton: I don't know. That short week will play havoc on Detroit. Like they need any more problems. Holy crap! Make sure you set your fantasy football team for the week! Chase: I have the Eagle's D. Does that make sense? Johnson: Like I can advise anyone. I picked up Kurt Warner. Lincoln: Ouch. OK. Last Thursday in November it is. Now we have to give it a name that really pops. Chase: How About "We Kicked Confederate Ass Day." (Laughter) Lincoln: Ha ha ha. I'm totally Tweeting that.
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