Redneck Discovers Town, Family Perfectly Fine Without Him

George "Butch" Dawkins, a Bedford, Pa. layabout and binge drinker, said he experienced a Christmas miracle, one that will change his life until probably New Years Eve when he plans to hit the bars again.

Dawkins said he had been feeling depressed, due to his limited beer money and poor cable television channel selection, and was visited by an angel-second-class named Clarence.

"He was trying to earn his wings," said Dawkins. "I love wings, too, but not in the same way. This was just the first of many theological inconsistencies that we had to hammer out."

Dawkins, who has drawn disability checks for the past ten years due to chapped lips, was then taken into what he described as a parallel universe where he had never been born. His hometown of Beford, Pa. was thriving without his presence.

"Well, the bars took kinda a hit," said Dawkins. "But everything else seemed to be doing fine, almost prosperous."

Clarence, Dawkins' guardian angel, said he was taken aback by the situation.

"I couldn't believe it," said Clarence. "I never saw so many smiling faces in all my life. It was like the town and nation had shaken off some great burden."

If Clarence expected a family visit would make Dawkins feel better, he was certainly disappointed.

"Well, we went to the familly trailer and, my luck, they actually live in a house now," said Clarence. "A house."

In this parallel universe, Marlena, Dawkins' wife, married a non-abusive man and the kids have an involved father.

"I couldn't imagine being happier," said Marlena.

Dawkins was returned to his present life after just seeing how well off his town and community was without his presence.

"Hello you great big beautiful Payday Loan building," Dawkins screamed as he ran drunk through the streets.

"They really had a wonderful life," said Dawkins.

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