County Offers Cash-for-Drunkards Program

Clearfield County has introduced a pilot program to help mothers exchange their non-working significant others for cold cash, or cold beer.

The Cash-for-Drunkards is already flooded with requests, according to the county's White Trash collector, Orville Peabobby. According to Peabobby the county ran out of funds on only the third day.

"We're trying to raise the cash necessary to complete the project," said Peabobby. "But some women are expecting to fetch up to sixteen dollars and a thirsty-two ouncer for their menfolk. The country just doesn't have that kinda money and expect to tar and chip the roads."

Britni Delmarschwarts, a program participant, said she is happy with the program.

"I turned my old man in for two dollars," said Delmarschwarts. "It was a reasonable exchange seein' how I was able to use some of that money to get the kids a dog at the pound."

Delmarschwarts said that the dog--a collie-spaniel mix--is more obedient and has a better bloodline than the former male head of the household that she refers to only as Sperm Donor.

Another option is for women to exchange their deadbeat dads for newer, more efficient models that work on less octane. Finding those more efficient models does create a problem.

"It's not that it's hard to find a man in Clearfield," said Charlene Rae Wilterson, local tramp. "It's just finding one who ain't incarcerated or on the road to get incarcerated that's the problem."

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