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Michael Jackson: Saying goodbye to the best friend a satire writer ever had. Satirists gathered outside the gates of Neverland to mourn the passing of one of their favorite targets--Michael Jackson. Jackson, a singer, songwriter, dancer, and train wreck, moon-walked his way into the hearts of hundreds of comics and then into their punchlines. His fascination with young children, monkeys, isolation chambers, Boris Karloff, Elizabeth Taylor, Peter Pan, Disney-Europe, middle eastern countries that ironically have harsher penalties for pederasty, and non-sexual reproduction turned into some of the funniest satire headlines of the late 20th century. "I got through the 1990s with Wacko Jacko stories," said a sobbing Kurt Van Pelt, an Onion writer. "I don't know how I'll get on without him." Sven Waring, of DotPenn, sees Jackson's passing as less the loss of a man and more of a loss of an era, like drive-in theaters and network news. "I grew up writing satire and making fun of Jackson," said Waring. "The first fake news story I ever wrote was about how he would have a sex change operation to become a man. That was in 1985." Waring tried to demonstrate the moonwalk, but it just looked like he was walking backwards. "Shit," he said, wiping away a tear. "It's just a mime move anyway. Man in a windstorm.  Who gives a shit?" As echoes of Weird Al Yankovic's "Eat It," wafted out of a stolen cassette boom box, Weird Al held court in the middle of the group. Weird Al pointed out that it was the intangibles that made Jackson one of the greatest targets of satire. "Let's face it, I wouldn't have been what I am without Michael Jackson," said Weird Al. "And there was always something reassuring knowing that Michael wouldn't kick your ass like Coolio would." Waring said he's kept going by other ridiculous pop culture artifacts, like loud, prostitute-biting pitch men, still around in the world today. "I keep telling myself, we still have Billy Mays," Waring said. "We still have Billy." The group plans to have a mass remembrance ceremony for Jackson and then immediately pen stories that the King of Pop is still alive and working on a banana farm in Paraguay run by Elvis, Kurt Kobain, and Goebbels.
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