Storms Claim One Life; Stupidity Kills, Like, 20

Severe weather ripped across the country this weekend claiming at least one life and culling about 20 from the herd through stupidity.

"I was sittin' right next to him, watchin' the lightning when he told me, 'hey, I ain't been swingin' my big aluminum pole on top of the garage roof lately'" said Laytrelle Fusk, of Cornhusk Hill, Kansas. "I thought it a bit funny he wanted to do this in the middle of a severe thunderstorm."

Fusk said her husband was blown off the roof by a series of lightning strikes.

"I told him we could wait until an ice storm to swing the aluminum pole on the roof," said Fusk. "But but he was right, we haven't swung the pole in a long time."

Two more Cornhusk Hill residents were killed trying to readjust their satellite television dishes during the storm, after lightning apparently interrupted their pay-per-view porn shows.

A Missouri resident drowned crossing a river during a flash flood, falsely believing because he floated down the river last summer in an inner tube, his cars four wheels would quadruple the buoyancy.

"He was an inquisitive soul," said Arbuckle T. Granner, cousin of the deceased. "Who am I to stand in the way of science? What would have happened if the someone would have told Galileo to never fly a kite. We'd have never had kites."

The storms also spun off a series of tornadoes, killing a few amateur storm chasers.

One witness said the chasers appeared to head straight for the middle of the twister.

"I think they was screaming something, like an obscenity," said witness Tony Pharish. "'Course it could be they was just praying to Jesus as the winds and debris was tearing open their Subaru Forester into a kind of metallic chaffe."

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