Following President Barack Obama's talk to school children today, the minions... errr... students will be asked to take a simple quiz. A Dotpenn reader was able to secure an early version of the test.

You can view this, but please DO NOT pass this on to your school-aged children.

Or, you will be shot and the state will raise your children. How dare you defy the mother-father-transgendered land!

Van Jones, former Green Job commissar for the Obama Administration, was tossed under a green hybrid bus, the President's spokesman said today.

The hybrid bus runs on a mixture of hydrogen and hype. The two substances are then converted into energy, which is then distributed to the wheels, which are guided by the media.

"We didn't just want to chuck Van under any old carbon-spewing bus," said Robert Barry Gibbs. "We wanted to make sure that it would suit his environmental awareness."

For the President, this shows that the environment matters, Gibbs added.

"We try to keep the size of our carbon footprint to a minimum even when we're placing that footprint on the ass of any one of our former friends and allies who have lost political expediency," said Gibbs. "Just ask Reverend Wright."

Jones, a communist and professional rioter, was tossed under the bus after revealing the Obama administration's actual intent for the country. Jones said that green jobs were just a front for a systemic overthrow of the capitalist system, which would later be replaced by a group of largely impotent advisers--called a Politburo--that would be headed by a big Czar.

"The President just didn't think it was time for the truth," said Gibbs. "Overthrowing the system is one of those things that we like to talk about behind closed doors, or say in public, but then wink at each other after we say something in code, like 'Change' or 'Hope.'"

Gibbs also said the President was upset that Jones referred to Republicans as "assholes."

"The President thinks this sort of talk in today's partisan environment isn't productive," said Gibbs. "He should have called them 'shitheads,' as they're more commonly known around the White House. We all need to be on the same page."

Jones said he has his resume in several places.

He's applied to build windmills off the coast of Cape Cod and also made inquiries to several former communist countries looking for a former Czar.

"As a communist, I find the irony of seeing 'former Czar,' on my resume delicious, capricious, and malicious," said Jones. "You assholes."

 
Conan, friends take in two of autumn's great traditions: high school football, blood feud.

What's best about high school football?

According to Conan, the Barbarian, there are three things: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Conan, a proud parent of Tyrone sophomore linebacker, Subotai, will attend another backyard brawl between Tyrone and Bellwood high schools. The event is known as one of the fiercest rivalries that typically features high energy and drama. It also brings out the best in fans.

According to Conan he plans to arrive early to get a good seat and says a few prayers before the game begins.

"Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge!" Conan said. "And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"

Weather conditions should be good for the event, but this matters little to fans, like Conan, who will attend no matter what the forecast.

"Crom laughs at your four winds," added Conan. "He laughs from his mountain."

Conan enjoys good-spirited heckling.

"They're all sluts!" Conan shouts as the opposing players warm up.

As kickoff nears, the barbarian grows more somber, "Purging is at last at hand. Day of Doom is here. All that is evil, all their allies; your parents, your leaders, those who would call themselves your judges; those who have lied and corrupted the Earth, they shall all be cleansed... We are! Tyrone!"

Tyrone has won the last six contests, but Conan can remember a darker time for Tyrone football.

"Almost 20 years of pitiless cumber! No rest, no sleep like other men," Conan said. "And yet the autumn wind blows. Have you ever felt such a wind?" 

Conan said he enjoys the game and its legacy.

"No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died," Conan said. "All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important!"

Conan also likes the traditional sauerkraut hot dog during half-time, but the lines are murder.

"Give me food, so I have strength when the wolves come. Let me die, not in hunger, but in combat!"

 Chicken turns out to be hero in Grange Fair food incident.

A quick-thinking Grange Fair-goer saved the life of a visitor to the fair after the victim slumped out of the picnic bench and underneath a Chick-a-Kabob vending stand last night.

Tim Dampers, a compulsive fair food sampler and part-time judo instructor of Penns Valley, passed out during the fair after ordering his third dinner of the evening. He said he doesn't remember what caused him to lose consciousness, but thought it might have been green. 

 "Might of been broccoli," said Dampers. "It tasted kinda bittery and healthy and stuff."

Luckily for Dampers, Drew Gaines saw the five-foot-two, 350-pound judo instructor fall off the bench and quickly inserted the man's Chicken-on-a-Stick back into the man's mouth. The Chicken-on-a-Stick is a roasted half-chicken impaled on a two foot long stick. It also has a roll on top.

"I saw him hit the ground and I was like, we need fried chicken, stat!" said Gaines. "Once the grease hit the tongue I knew he was reviving. Such is the power of animal grease and various fats."

Emergency crews were dispatched to the area and helped stabilize Dampers with a pulled pork sandwich. EMTs speculate that a piece of broccoli, or garnish, may have accidentally slipped in with the chicken, causing this adverse reaction.

"We tried to keep any type of roughage out of the fair area, but it can slip in," said EMT Paul Wonks. "You have to be always on the alert."

 Dampers said during his loss of consciousness, he had a near-death experience.

"I crossed through this tunnel and saw a bright light. And a voice, neither male nor female told me: it's not your time," Dampers said. "You're not finished with eating your Chicken on a Stick."