Racism is not dead, according to the majority of white people in a recent poll.

The Plue Research Center, of Toledo, OH, announced that 75 percent of white people (plus or minus two NASCAR fans) believe that "more than 70 percent" of white people are "really" racist. The poll further revealed that the white people who aren't racist believe that 29 percent who aren't "really" racist are a "tad bit" racist.

A total of 95 percent of white males believe that all white males, except the white male taking the poll, are racist.

Devin Shields, who isn't a racist, agrees with the findings.

"Hey. Don't get me wrong. Some of my  best friends are racist," said Shields. "But white people are racist."

Shields said he can prove he isn't a racist because he watched the Cosby Show, likes rap, and always offers a disclaimer any time he says anything that might be construed as a negative comment against a black person.

"Sometimes, you know, I'll say something like, 'That OJ Simpson did it,'" said Sheilds. "But before I say it, I always say, 'I'm not racist or anything,' just to, you know, clear the air."

Kate Hoggshead, who is not racist, said that people who disagree with her on political and governmental issues tend to be the most racist.

"When people say they don't like taxes, what they're really saying is 'I hate black people,'" said Hoggshead. "And racists overwhelmingly are against government-run health care, even the black dudes who are against it, too."

Hollywood stars say they're ready to give up car, clothes for Clap and Trade tax.

Gillie Sanderson hasn't had a paying acting job since a dog food commercial in 1998. And she walked off the set of that job after continual artistic differences with the director.

Now, thanks to a new initiative by the Obama administration and the administration's celebrity backers, a global war on artist hunger may make artistic dilemmas like Sanderson's a thing of the horrid free market past.

The legislation, called the Claps and Trade bill, will tax Hollywood productions and celebrities at the 97 percentile rate and distribute the monies to poor, working actors, actresses, artists, musicians, and stand-up comedians, but definitely not mimes.

"It's about time these Hollywood big shots put their money where their mascara is," said Sanderson, who plans on using her share of the loot to do a one-woman show about the life of Kelly Ripa. 

President Barack Obama said he favors, "spreading the wealth. And lavish, hometown musicals."

"This is a perfect opportunity to do both," said Obama during a break in interviews.

One-time funny man Will Ferrell said he favors the bill, especially since if he has one more Land of the Lost, he'll join the ranks of the unworking artists anyway.

"The budget for Land of the Lost could have paid for the cast of Cats to perform in every medium-market arena in the United States," said Ferrell. "In India, the money could have turned the whole country into the set of the Sound of Music."

The members of U2 have agreed to cap their album sales at 200,000 copies and donate the other sales to poor bar bands in the Northeast, including three Kiss tribute bands in Pennsylvania. Sheryl Crow, who has campaigned vigorously for school music programs, will have almost all of her royalties sent to provide limousines and gift baskets for elementary music teachers.

"I think I speak for working artists everywhere when I say we'd gladly forgo the large salaries, perks, royalties, freebees, free clothes, and comps to help out struggling artists," said Crow. "It's all about the applause anyways."

Congress sings "Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Rum" at first Talk Like A Patriot Day.

On September 11, 2001, America changed temporarily.

The terrorist attacks that led to the destruction of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and a heroic effort to stop an attack that ended in a farm field in Somerset County, Pa., made Americans stop and think about words like sacrifice, duty, and country. Until the first season of 24 premiered on Nov 6, 2001.

Now, Sept. 11 has been officially designated "Talk Like A Patriot Day." This year's celebration was headed by the Democratic-led government and featured several  empty gestures and insincere platitudes to the anniversary of the attack.

"Arrr... I feel all resolved today, me matey," said Senator Harry Reid (D-Nevada, for right now) , who sported an American Ffag patch on his eye for the occasion. "We be all 'Mericans! Even the scalawags who attacked us. I be re-reading them their Miranda rights, arrr."

Pirate wench and Speaker of Ye Olde House Nancy Pelosi led the merriment at the "Water Board The Plank" festivities.

"If ye be not a good American and divide up yer spoils with the unfortunate louts of the country, then we send ya into the drink with a little taste of waterboardin'," said Pelosi. "Not that I was at any time aware that water boarding was being used as a form of information gathering by our intelligence forces. Arrr."

Barack Obama, cap'n of the ship, took time out to talk like a patriot to America's school kids.

"Now, youngters, when ye be goin' back to yer ma and pa be sure to observe what they say and do for unpatriotic behavior, such as speakin' ill of government run health care," said Obama. "There be no mutiny on me watch, I can assure ya of that!"

 Festive costumes and decorations are another intrinsic part of Talk Like A Patriot Day.

During the weeks following the 9/11 attacks, Americans wore little flag lapel pins and put flag bumper stickers on their cars. Don Immus, a professor of political studies at the University of Pennsylvania, said he breaks out the ole jolly Roy Rogers for Talk Like A Pirate Day at his office.

"'Tis a beautiful thing to be seeing the ole stars and bars flappin' in the breeze of the air conditionin'" said Immus. "And rememberin' the many wars of imperialism fought so's I could preach ta impressionable minds about the many sins of this country and the inability of the free market system to fairly distribute me treasure, arr."

 Following President Barack Obama's talk to school children today, the minions... errr... students will be asked to take a simple quiz. A Dotpenn reader was able to secure an early version of the test.

You can view this, but please DO NOT pass this on to your school-aged children.

Or, you will be shot and the state will raise your children. How dare you defy the mother-father-transgendered land!